Walking in here is like walking into an empty room that still holds lots of really cool stuff that I forgot I had.  Things that I had to put aside because Life shit the bed and I had to go clean it up.

Am I back? I don't know.  I miss this place and this space and the connections I felt. (Yeah, I mean you.  You're fucking awesome, keep that shit up!)

It's been a shit show this year, for realz.  I did leave Hot Stuff; packed up my goods and my kids and frappe la rue; found me and the little ones a place to live and by God, I did it.  We started marriage counseling, sold the house... and then bought a new house, and moved into it together.  I still don't know if it was the right time to do it.  On one hand, it has been amazing for the kids.  They have friends here.  Friends that they can bike around the street with, or play in each others' backyards.  It has been great for me, too.  The deep, deep loneliness that I felt living out in the country - essentially by myself - is gone.  Hot Stuff is working overseas and his schedule is 4 weeks gone and 4 weeks home.  It's a really great schedule because it gives him solid working time, and then me and the kids get time with him when he's home for a month.

On the other hand... our marriage isn't fixed.  We are on the road, but there is a far distance to travel.  We still have issues that are pretty big.  We're still going to go to counseling, still keep trying to figure all this shit out.

Ok, it's time to get down to it. I've been futzing around other blogs for the last hour kind of trying to avoid writing my own post.  Thankfully, I have a Dear Sister who will not rest until I have dragged every single some at least one emotion up from the dregs of my heart so she can see how I'm really doing. (I guess 10 - 15 phone calls a week back and forth between us isn't convincing enough.)

I don't want to get into too much about this, but Hot Stuff and I have separated. (Let's keep this off facebook, shall we? Private stuff for Blogger, only.) At first, things were back and forth from angry to amicable.  Right now, we are amicable.  So amicable, as a matter of fact, that when I got some wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday afternoon, he volunteered to watch the kids and keep an eye on me so I didn't die. (Just so you don't think I am a giant wimp, I had three teeth removed under general anesthetic. Being under GA means you are not allowed to be left alone for the first 24 hrs after surgery, should you decide to lock yourself in the bathroom and pass out.. or fall down the stairs. Somehow, I managed to avoid both!)

Post surgery, my face looked like I got dragged behind a car for a few blocks. Thanks to the two bottom wisdom teeth, which my dental surgeon referred to as, "Oh! Ho! Ho! They were some nasty bastards!" I had lots of swelling, and now have bruising and a sexy little patch of busted up skin on the corner of my mouth that resembles an eruption of gonosyphiherpelaids. I would have taken a picture, but I couldn't remember where I put the camera. Blame the narcotics.

So there I was, doped up on Emcat (Tylenol #3 without the caffeine), being very well taken care of by my separated spouse. It was nice.  And weird. But very nice, none the less. It doesn't change my plans (to move out at the end of the month), but in him I think I saw a glimmer of a person that I would definitely want to be married to, should the person that I saw this last couple of days truly be the person that my spouse is changing into.

Either way, and this is the biggie, I am prepared to continue on my way. Making a life for myself where my happiness is not even a little dependent on someone else.

Sigh.

I find myself heaving a lot of dramatic sighs these days.  I need to make an important decision, and I can't seem to make up my mind.  I have meditated until the cows came home, but I still don't find peace in my heart, no matter which way I think I should go. I'm worried that if I make the wrong decision, I won't be able to put it back together should it blow up in my face. You know? I haven't been talking about this with anyone, because I'm pretty sure if I talk about it, I'm going to start crying.  I don't cry in front of other people. Like, ever. It's so uncomfortable for me and not at all cathartic. Anyways, I am now dragging my feet.  Alternately agonizing over and ignoring the problem.  Hoping that a solution jumps out of the bushes at me.  Basically doing anything I can to avoid the grown-up business of Making The Tough Choices. 

(I don't wanna be a grown up and you can't make me!)

Not Another Angsty New Year's Eve Post

I just read my last New Year's Eve post, and boy, was I in a state. It was bad.  I said I would make 2010 a better year, and it was.  Going back to work, despite my deep insecurity and total lack of self-confidence in my abilities, was the best thing I could have done for myself.  One of my friends commented the other day that I am a totally different person than I was a year ago.  I think that's true.

Things have not been sugar-coated wonderfulness, though.  There has been some (lots? well, less than in previous years) marital melodrama this year, too.  I think the difference was knowing that I was not trapped. If I chose to put up with it, it was my choice, not because I was financially unable to leave. Boy that looks screwed up when I write it out.  Why would someone choose to put up with bullshit?  Ten years is a long time to be with someone.  Three kids.  (Listening to talk radio discussing books called, "Your Mediocre Marriage Is Good Enough For The Kids.") Accepting that today -- and tomorrow, and many other tomorrows -- is not the day the sun is going to shine on your dog's ass.

Today, my sister took my Princess back home to BC for a week (sad. missing my girl already. hope she's doing okay. she totally is. she's very independent.), so when the boys and I got home, the baby went for a nap and the Hurricane and I settled in to watch The Sword and The Stone and eat Cheezies (this is a BIG treat!).  Later on, we ran into town to grab stuff for dinner, and I decided to stop at the movie store and grab a movie for myself.  (This is the degree of lame to which I have fallen.. watching a movie at home by myself on New Years Eve. Sad. Even more lame: I didn't find a movie at the movie store. I'll be watching TV instead.)  The Hurricane is in the back seat, ordering me to get him a movie and a treat. It makes me crazy.

I kind of let go of a friend this year.  I felt like the friendship was very unbalanced (I was doing all the giving, and the friend was doing all the taking), and that I was allowing myself to be sucked into constant drama.  I thought I would feel guilty for stepping back, but mostly I just felt relieved.  We still talk, occasionally, but even those conversations inevitably turn one-sided...

I don't know what's going to happen in 2011.  I have spent the last month just trying to get through Christmas.  Just trying to get through.  Shouldn't Christmas be fun and magical, and not something you just try to get through?  I'm not making New Years Resolutions either, as it's almost 8pm and I've only now just remembered this is what one does for the New Year.  Oh, fine! Even though I have an impossibly busy evening of watching TV and playing on the internet, I could probably muster something up, the usual I'll lose some weight, I'll try to be nicer and less of a catty bitch, I'll work on being patient, etc.  Sure, let's go with that.

Happy Freaking New Year.

One-legged man in ass kicking contest.

There is so much stuff going on these days.

The Hurricane started kindergarten, and he even gets on the bus with the older kids in the morning.  My big guy! He loves kindergarten.  He really loves the bus. He got off one day last week and this was our conversation:
Hurricane: "Hey Mom, guess what I said on the bus?"
Me: "What, honey?"
Hurricane: "I said, 'Shut up Dane, ya donkey's dick!"
Ahh.. older kids on the bus.. I just love them.

The two big kids are in swimming lessons twice a week (at 0840 what the hell was I thinking?!).  The Princess is acting very shy with the teacher and the other kids; the Hurricane is effing terrified of jumping into the water.  It's kind of painful to watch, actually.

We've decided to sell our house, as we have outgrown it.  It's a really cute little house, and would be perfect for a family of four.  Unfortunately, I am not willing to part with any of these little monsters I call my children (of the corn) on a permanent basis.

The realtor gave me a staging list, which is pretty much a list of things to change/remove in the house in order to make it look more appealing.  I also decided that I should re-paint the entryway at the same time. Fast forward through three (four?) days of ass-busting, and she came yesterday to do pictures.  Was very impressed.  Made me feel good. :) The only thing left to do is strip and refinish the dining room floor. That's tomorrow's project.

So the night before the realtor came to do the staging list, I walked into the Princess' room and saw this:

You can sort of see where she colored on her bed frame, but you can't see that she also colored on her legs, her belly, her face, her sheets, and both of her palms entirely.  Did I mention this is dark blue felt? As we get closer to her turning three, I am getting an increasingly ominous feeling.

Which reminds me that I have a birthday party to plan and also Halloween costumes to make.

A Short Post

I fell at roller derby yesterday and I think I broke my knuckle.  I felt it grind when I landed on my hand and then I felt it grind again when I stood up and tried to make a fist.  I am typing with some of the fingers on my right hand taped together.  It is as awkward as it sounds. 

The swelling and lack of hand mobility has successfully taken my mind off of my sore tailbone, on which I fell a couple of weeks ago.  Now that hurt like a sonofabitch.

I know how it sounds.  Maybe you're not really cut out to play derby.

Seriously, I am getting better at it. 

And I still love it.

Friend and money are like... two things that are very poorly matched.

I know mixing friends with money is always a bad idea.  I never do it; I made an exception this time because of circumstances and because I felt bad for this friend.

Last year I helped a very close friend out who was really in dire straits; I told my friend that I would not do the work for free, that because of my own financial problems I needed to be paid (we're talking just less than $200, by the way).  I was told I would be paid as soon as my friend received some expected money.  It didn't happen when my friend got that payment, so I asked to be paid before Christmas. I really could have used the money for Christmas stuff.  My friend knew this and agreed to pay me before Christmas.

I didn't get paid before Christmas.  I let it slide.

I let it slide through the new year and the first few months, bringing it up only once and was told yes, I would get some money. I didn't get any money.  It's been a year now and I still haven't seen any money.

I find myself becoming very resentful when I hear complaints of I am so broke! interspersed with stories of shopping trips that involve name brand clothes or $340 worth of shoes.  I am trying to remind myself that I shouldn't let this bother me; that it is none of my business what my friend spends money on, but (clearly) it is bothering me. 

A large part of me feels incredibly disrespected by this. I feel taken advantage of. I am upset that my friend chooses to spend money on expensive material things instead of paying me back; I get mad when I read about it on facebook or hear about it over the phone.

I spent time with my friend last weekend and because I didn't have any cash on me, my friend graciously lent me some.  I am going to be seeing my friend again soon, and I know I will be asked to pay back the money.  I want to remind my friend of the outstanding money owed to me and suggest that I just subtract what I owe from what is owed to me.  This is probably going to not go over well, as my friend is honestly hard up financially these days. I am worried about how this is going to impact our friendship.

I feel petty and small and kind of mean about this.  At the same time, I feel like I should not have to wait a year to get paid.  And yes, this is small potatoes, but I dammit, I worked for that money.

Thoughts?