Walking in here is like walking into an empty room that still holds lots of really cool stuff that I forgot I had.  Things that I had to put aside because Life shit the bed and I had to go clean it up.

Am I back? I don't know.  I miss this place and this space and the connections I felt. (Yeah, I mean you.  You're fucking awesome, keep that shit up!)

It's been a shit show this year, for realz.  I did leave Hot Stuff; packed up my goods and my kids and frappe la rue; found me and the little ones a place to live and by God, I did it.  We started marriage counseling, sold the house... and then bought a new house, and moved into it together.  I still don't know if it was the right time to do it.  On one hand, it has been amazing for the kids.  They have friends here.  Friends that they can bike around the street with, or play in each others' backyards.  It has been great for me, too.  The deep, deep loneliness that I felt living out in the country - essentially by myself - is gone.  Hot Stuff is working overseas and his schedule is 4 weeks gone and 4 weeks home.  It's a really great schedule because it gives him solid working time, and then me and the kids get time with him when he's home for a month.

On the other hand... our marriage isn't fixed.  We are on the road, but there is a far distance to travel.  We still have issues that are pretty big.  We're still going to go to counseling, still keep trying to figure all this shit out.

Ok, it's time to get down to it. I've been futzing around other blogs for the last hour kind of trying to avoid writing my own post.  Thankfully, I have a Dear Sister who will not rest until I have dragged every single some at least one emotion up from the dregs of my heart so she can see how I'm really doing. (I guess 10 - 15 phone calls a week back and forth between us isn't convincing enough.)

I don't want to get into too much about this, but Hot Stuff and I have separated. (Let's keep this off facebook, shall we? Private stuff for Blogger, only.) At first, things were back and forth from angry to amicable.  Right now, we are amicable.  So amicable, as a matter of fact, that when I got some wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday afternoon, he volunteered to watch the kids and keep an eye on me so I didn't die. (Just so you don't think I am a giant wimp, I had three teeth removed under general anesthetic. Being under GA means you are not allowed to be left alone for the first 24 hrs after surgery, should you decide to lock yourself in the bathroom and pass out.. or fall down the stairs. Somehow, I managed to avoid both!)

Post surgery, my face looked like I got dragged behind a car for a few blocks. Thanks to the two bottom wisdom teeth, which my dental surgeon referred to as, "Oh! Ho! Ho! They were some nasty bastards!" I had lots of swelling, and now have bruising and a sexy little patch of busted up skin on the corner of my mouth that resembles an eruption of gonosyphiherpelaids. I would have taken a picture, but I couldn't remember where I put the camera. Blame the narcotics.

So there I was, doped up on Emcat (Tylenol #3 without the caffeine), being very well taken care of by my separated spouse. It was nice.  And weird. But very nice, none the less. It doesn't change my plans (to move out at the end of the month), but in him I think I saw a glimmer of a person that I would definitely want to be married to, should the person that I saw this last couple of days truly be the person that my spouse is changing into.

Either way, and this is the biggie, I am prepared to continue on my way. Making a life for myself where my happiness is not even a little dependent on someone else.

Sigh.

I find myself heaving a lot of dramatic sighs these days.  I need to make an important decision, and I can't seem to make up my mind.  I have meditated until the cows came home, but I still don't find peace in my heart, no matter which way I think I should go. I'm worried that if I make the wrong decision, I won't be able to put it back together should it blow up in my face. You know? I haven't been talking about this with anyone, because I'm pretty sure if I talk about it, I'm going to start crying.  I don't cry in front of other people. Like, ever. It's so uncomfortable for me and not at all cathartic. Anyways, I am now dragging my feet.  Alternately agonizing over and ignoring the problem.  Hoping that a solution jumps out of the bushes at me.  Basically doing anything I can to avoid the grown-up business of Making The Tough Choices. 

(I don't wanna be a grown up and you can't make me!)