Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Oh where to begin on this Not Me! Monday!! Well, first, I did not burst out laughing at soccer on Wednesday when my 4 year old ran off the field mid-game and proceeded to pee right out in the open where everyone could see him. I also did not point him out and make jokes when he started waving his penis around like a fire hose. That would be a terrible example of mothering.

Yesterday, I most certainly did not cause my sister and I to tear the house apart looking for baby carseat shoulder pads that I later realized never existed in the first place. Nope! I also most certainly never said, "I must be losing my f*cking mind!!" loud enough for all three children to hear. I would never do such a thing.

Although I admit to having the same sense of humor as an immature 12 year old, I definitely didn't offer to give my husband a bl*wjob while wearing my new nighttime mouthguard. My sister and I both did not find that so funny we could not stop laughing. Especially when I didn't put said night guard in my mouth, sit in hubby's lap, and suck my teeth while giving him lascivious winks. That would be disgusting. I would never do that. Not me!

Really, there is nothing I won't talk about..

I had a baby six months ago and yes, I know, it takes a while for a person's body to get back to normal after pushing a Watermelon out the ol' Garden Hose. Still, (here is the part where I piss and moan) is it really necessary to have a THREE WEEK LONG period? No, not necessary. Someone please tell my uterus that. I tried. Didn't work.

Me: "Hello, uterus?"

Uterus: "Yo."

Me: "Hi, yes, um, I was just wondering when you were going to knock off the sh*t?"

Uterus: "Je suis tres desole, mais je ne parle pas englais. Bon soir!"

I detected a note of falseness and a touch of sarcasm.

I am very sore today as I did work out yesterday, being back on BFL. I do feel much better being on a solid eating plan instead of eating willy-nilly whatever and whenever I want. I need routine. I flaked out today, because I was so sore from yesterday that I kept putting off my cardio until it was too late. In my defence, I was busy cleaning up sh*t. After the Princess got out of the tub, she took a poo on the dining room floor, walked back to the bathroom, had another poo there, which she then walked through, back to the first pile of poo in the dining room. Then she tried to wipe it off her feet. Fantastic. Back in the tub for another wash, and then jammies and a clean bum (aka diaper). While I was getting her diaper on, Hot Stuff was getting Mr. Mellow ready for his bath, and I happened to see that he sh*t up the back of his undershirt. Yes, all the way to his armpits. Fantastic. Managed to get him wiped down and into the tub, then it was time to get the Hurricane into the tub. The Hurricane has been sick with some kind of throat ailment yesterday and today, so he has been so well behaved, calm, and cuddly. Until bathtime. You'd think I asked him to chop an arm off. Finally got him tubbed and into jammies, and all kids went to bed. Then Mr. Mellow woke up half an hour later and needed the rest of his bedtime bottle to go back to sleep. Then the Hurricane was crying and needing mommy to give him medicine and lay with him to sleep. So that is what kept me away from the bike from 6:00 to 9:00. The other 10 hrs of today? I'm just plum f*cking lazy. I will make it up tomorrow.

It's late and I'm tired

My oldest boy is at his cousin's for a sleepover tonight, and my sister is staying here. My husband isn't working tomorrow, so that means I don't have to get up early with the kids. So what the hell, might as well stay up late and write.

Not sure if it's a confluence of events or if I'm just over-sensitized these days, but I seem to be reading about death lately. My heart goes out to Kayleigh and Maddie's families. The worst, most horrific thing I can think of is to lose a child. It is so scary that I can't look too closely at it, because the sadness is too much. Of course, reading the comments is also gut-wrenching, because it seems so many can relate.

Mother's Day was last Sunday, and I didn't take time to grieve for my mother. Stupid me, you would think I learned my lesson when she passed away and I tried to pretend that I had dealt with it and life was under control. Ha! Maybe the tears I'm crying aren't just for the families of those little angels, but also for my mom. I miss her a lot. I am so good about keeping my feelings hidden around other people, but this just sucks. I miss my mommy. I miss the mother who gave advice and comfort, and who was my role model and friend. I even miss her overbearing ways. I miss her smell (covergirl foundation), and the way she would walk up beside me, put her arm around my waist, and give a little squeeze. Okay, now I need to move on to another topic because I'm not ready to stand that close to her memory.

Who am I kidding? I need to go have a good cry.

Little People who don't stay little.

Today I took my son to his first day of Preschool. The "test drive," so to speak. I thought this was one of those things where parents are supposed to stay for the whole two hours, but it was optional. I asked my little Hurricane, "Honey, do you want me to stay with you or will you be okay if I leave?"

To which he replied, "Mom, I want you to go."

Apparently I did not leave fast enough for him, because thirty seconds later he said again, "Moooommmm, I want you to leave this place!!"

I was left with the strangest feeling when I walked out of the preschool; somewhere between sorrow and pride. Very proud that my child is independent enough not to need me to hold his hand, and sad that.. well, he is independent enough not to need me to hold his hand. Of course, in true little kid fashion, he brought my pride back to earth. When I picked him up, he said to me, "Mom, I took the band-aid off my finger." Me: "Where did you put it? In the garbage?" Him: "No, in the sandbox."

UGH!!! GROSS!!!!!! My apologies to all teachers who work in preschools where children have parents like me: I did not volunteer to go digging through the sandbox because I had my other two babies waiting in the truck. So I'm sorry. Also, touching used band-aids disgusts me. I don't get paid to do that sh*t, and unfortunately, you do.

So I just finished my first post-baby #3 Body for Life challenge. Honestly, I was just phoning it in this time. It wasn't until that last two or three weeks that I was actually making an effort. Needless to say, I lost a grand total of 6 lbs and 4 inches. It definitely is a lot harder to lose the baby weight this time. I am taking a week off before starting the next challenge, so I'm sure I will have put on the 6 lbs and 4" by next Saturday. Judging by the way I am chowing in the Toffee Bits Triangles, I will be lucky if it's only 6 lbs I have gained back.

I got a great Mother's Day present this year; my envelope from Plan Canada arrived and I got to find out about the girl I sponsored. She is 13, goes to secondary school (walks 45 minutes both ways), lives with her mom, dad, brothers and a sister in a small country (or kingdom, not sure which) called Benin. I got a little blurb about her family and her region, and a couple of pictures of her. She is beautiful! I can't wait to find out more about her.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Oh where to begin on this Not Me! Monday. Well first, I did not drag my kids and my sister on a 5 hour road trip to go to a wedding this weekend. I also did not cave and let my son eat worthless Dunkaroos instead of healthy snacks while on the road. My children, my little precious angels, did not stay awake all night on Thursday night. Because my children were not wide-awake, I most assuredly did not drag my 4 year old son down the hall, down the elevator, and outside the hotel at 2:00am to give him hell and tell him that if he needed to talk and run around so bad, he should do it outside in the parking lot. At 4:00am, I also did not pack my still wide-awake kids in the truck and drive around for half an hour looking for Gravol. Nope. Not me!

I did not have a major internal freak out at said wedding while standing at the mic attempting to be the MC. I did not stare out at the crowd and wish desperately that the floor would open up and swallow me. Not once did I screw up on the order of the speeches, pick the wrong song for the bride/groom and parent's dance, or at any time point the mic at the speaker, resulting in ear-shattering feedback. I also didn't forget to bring my camera. Never. I am calm, cool, and collected always. Because I am so cool, I definitely didn't sit down with the bride's brother and cause him to look like he just got punched in the guts when I brought up his ex-girlfriend, the one who broke his heart. Nope. Not me!

I also did not let my children run like wild savages at the reception, forget to brush their teeth at least once every day this week, or pretend that I don't see the lake of formula on the floor from where the bottle leaked through the bouncy chair.

Right now, I am not sitting at the computer at 1:00 in the afternoon, still not dressed, still not showered, with unbrushed teeth, letting my son watch the movie "Cars" for the second time today. And I am definitely not thinking of getting a snack and kicking my kid off the TV so I can sit down and watch Dr. Phil. Nope, not me!

Stupid and Painful

So last night before I went to bed, I decided to wax my mustache. No problem, I have the ready to use wax strips that you just rub between your hands to warm up, peel apart, place them over your top lip, rip off, and bingo bango, no more facial hair. All went well until I decided to see what it would be like to wax my legs. Box says, 'Can be used even on short hair!' so I said to myself, "Self, this is a good idea. It's a pretty small wax strip, so give it a shot."

Well, I warmed up the strip between my hands, peeled it apart, and placed it on my leg, pressing it into my skin in the direction of the hair growth. JUST like the box said to do. Pulled my skin taut and quickly removed the wax strip in opposite direction of hair. JUST like the box said to do. Except when I did it, and pulled off the wax strip, only the paper backing came off. I had a lovely square of hair wax on my leg. Quick thinker that I am, I grabbed the other wax strip and pressed it over the one on my leg, rubbed it vigorously to warm it up, and pulled. And was left with a paper backing in my hand and two layers of wax on my leg. Again with the brilliant ideas, I dug through my cupboard o' bathroom stuff and and found some muslin strips (used for leg waxing). Again with the pressing and rubbing, I applied the muslin strip over the wax layer and pulled. It didn't take off the wax, but now my double layer of wax had a nice furry muslin coating on it. After several attempts at chipping off the wax, pulling in every direction with the paper backings and muslin strips, rolling the wax, I managed to get some of it off. Mostly the wax just stuck on my leg. I went to bed like this: furry pink square of wax on the front of my calf, surrounded by throbbing angry red skin from all the pulling and such.

In case you're wondering, my leg is no longer red or throbbing. Still have most of the fuzzy pink square of wax, though. It's not so bad, only the parts that the muslin fell off of are sticking to my pants.

Not Me! Monday (My first ever!!)

Well, where does one begin with Not Me! Monday? Giving credit where credit is due, of course. Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I most certainly did not stay up waaayyy too late last night, then wake up cranky this morning and spend the first hour complaining about how tired I am. Did I pretend I didn't hear my Little Dude fussing while I was in the shower this morning, and gave my hair an extra shampoo? No way. Since my sister was here this weekend I definitely did not completely slack off and let her do all the child care, meal prep, and cleaning. Nope! And just now, I didn't brush lunch crumbs from the Princess's shirt and pants onto the floor and call the dog over to lick them up instead of sweeping. I would never do such a thing. Not me!