Marriage, Part I

Bear with me as I work through some stuff.

March was, on the whole, a pretty good month for Hot Stuff and I.  We were getting along, he was home quite a bit, I got to go out without the kids and do fun no-kids grown up stuff.  I was starting to feel that our marriage was getting to more stable, comfortable ground.

Last Tuesday morning, I took the Hurricane to preschool and when I got back at 10, Hot Stuff said he was going out to get supplies for work, as he would be heading out of town the next day. (Hot Stuff's job frequently takes him out of town for extended periods of time.  This is how it is, and how it always has been.  I've never had an issue with it - with the exception of Little Dude's birth, when I asked him to stay close to home for quite a few months.  I did not feel like I could manage things completely on my own.)  I asked him if he would be home before lunch, and he said he would.

He did not come home until 7 am the next morning.  I called him a couple of times on Tuesday but figured out by supper that he was not going to be coming home. I wasn't frantic with worry, or anything.  I mean, I was a bit worried, but definitely more pissed off.  After he got home, I spent Wednesday morning stomping around and ignoring Hot Stuff until he left for work.

He called on Wednesday night and left a message, but I haven't called him back.  It's Sunday night. I'm being stubborn.  I don't want to talk to him. I am tired of always being the one to hold out the olive branch; to open the lines of communication; to suggest a hundred different compromises to solve an argument. I'm sick to death of always having to give up and give in because he absolutely refuses to budge, let alone meet in the middle.  It's gotten real old, having to explain time and time again that doing things that hurt my feelings hurts my fucking feelings and I deserve a damn apology.  An apology that may or may not be given.

I love my husband, but he can be a very hard man.  It literally feels like running into a brick wall, trying to explain why I'm upset and why things like staying out all fucking night without a phone call are hurtful.  And disrespectful.  And generally a shitty thing to do.

So that's why I haven't called him back.  Because I'm tired of explaining, compromising, giving in, not getting an apology or any kind of acknowledgment of "I fucked up"-ness, and sucking up the hurt.  I do not want to turn my back on 10 years together. So my internal conversation goes like this:

Me: I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit.

Me: What are you going to do, leave?

Me: No. I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine. I'm going to dig in my heels and let him twist, for once.

Me: You know that's childish.

Me: Yup. And I don't care. Hrmph. I'm gonna do it anyways.

Me: What is it going to solve?

Me: Nothing. But it's making me feel better.

Me: Is this what is best for your marriage?

Me: I am thinking about what is best for me, in the most selfish way.

Me: Hot Stuff is not your Mortal Enemy in a Fight To The Death. Marriages are living, breathing things that need patience and care and constant maintenance to stay alive.  Communication is the roots.  Ignore the roots and the plant dies.

Me: I'm still not going to call him.

Me: You're being stupid.

Me: I know you are but what am I?

You see? I'm being childish and irrational but for the first time in a long time, I don't feel angry and resentful about caving in, once again.