Thursday, May 28, 2009

Creepy Crawlies

Ever have a conversation with someone about lice and your head starts to itch? Lice. Lice. Licelicelice. I bet your head is itchy now, isn't it?

I have a ridiculous and rampant phobia of spiders, bugs, fliers, and creepers of allsorts. To make a short story long: it all goes back to when I was a youngster of about 8 years old. My brother and I were playing tag and I ran into a spider web of newly hatched baby spiders. The last thing I remember was running through the web and feeling them crawl on my face and arms. I don't remember running in the house screaming hysterically or my mom throwing me in the tub. (Ugh. Barf. Hope my kids never do this because I am not carrying a spider-covered child through the house to the bathtub. I will turn the hose on them first.)

Slowly I am trying to get over this fear by not immediately throwing on a pair of my husband's biggest work boots and stomping the bug to sh*t while singing at the top of my lungs. Tends to frighten small children.

So tonight, I am getting ready to bathe my dirty rugrats and there is a spider in the tub. No sweat. I grab a my cleaning bucket, scoop out the spider, and fling it (just the spider, not the bucket and the spider) out the patio door. Well I am just feeling pretty darn good about myself. I didn't hardly want to throw up at all! Back to the bathroom: there is a monster bee flying around the bathroom. It might be the biggest bee in the world. When I saw it, I thought to myself, "Self, that looks like an African Killer Bee. Not that I've ever seen one, but that is exactly how I imagine they would look." Ok, it's cool, I'm cool. I can do this! Head over to the window, take out the screen, and crank it open all the way. The stupid bee won't fly out!! It keeps climbing up and down the curtain. Then it flies behind the dryer. Oh F*ck. Seriously. I need to get these kids bathed. So, I slap a smile on my face and pretend there is not a bee lurking behind the dryer waiting for me to fall asleep tonight so it can sting me to death. (Not melodramatic or crazy at all!!)

I have never bathed three small children so fast in my life. Ever. I am not even sure how clean they got. I am fairly certain that at least 70% of 2 out of 3 children got clean. Close enough is good enough.

The bee, as of thisminute, has not been seen again. DUM DUM DUM...

I, however, cannot stop scratching and slapping at imaginary bugs on myself. I am probably not crazy. Although if I am, I would like to be referred to as "mentally hilarious" and not "mentally insane."

Rough Night

I remember when I was young and stupid. Around the ages of 18 - 21..ish. A "rough night" involved lots of booze and several bars. Followed by either walking home through the worst neighborhood in Canada (because I had spent my bus fare on.. yes, one last pint), or crashing at a friend's house. There is nothing like waking up hung-over, stinking like booze, feeling like a small furry animal crawled in your mouth and died, on the smelly, crunchy couch of a friend who either stayed up later or woke up before you and has been taking pictures of your drunkass self.

Looking back now.. I did a lot of stupid things. What kind of moron would risk walking through Vancouver's Downtown Eastside in the wee hours of the morning? Me. Don't I know how DANGEROUS!!! that is, especially for a woman?? Yes. I cringe to think of my own daughter ever being that f*cking idiotic.

But I digress.

I had a "rough night" last night. Ten years later, my "rough nights" involve a sick baby who coughs himself awake when he is laying down. He woke up gassy and chesty a few hours after going to bed, and I couldn't get him to settle until after midnight. Wouldn't you know it, as I am shutting off my light, he starts coughing again. I ended up sleeping sitting up on a chaise with him on my chest because that is the only way he could sleep. He woke up every couple of hours coughing, poor little dude. He sounds like hell this morning, too.

Ten years ago, I would wake up dragging ass and laugh about the antics of the night before.

Today, I wake up dragging ass and dread sitting in the doctor's office or walk-in clinic so my little man can see a doctor.

Oh my, how things have changed!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

My Precious Angels (Sort of like Hell's Angels only they don't have their colors/patches yet)

Here are some pictures of my little people:

Little Dude, age 6 months: the look he is sporting is, "Mom, I am so over this picture taking business. Are we done yet? Like, yawn."

The Princess, age 18 months (Wearing the Hurricane's boots.. and a blanket for a cape. She is a superhero and her power is the ability to make your ears bleed)

The Hurricane, age 4 years - not sure what kind of a smile that is. Perhaps it is the "My lower jaw is so much more massive than the rest of my face that I am forced to smile like a dork."

Precious, aren't they?!!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Seriously Dragging Ass.

A five year old. A four year old. A two-almost-three year old. A year-and-a-half year old. A 6-month old. What the hell was I thinking? My sister in law dropped her 2 kids off here today for a playdate with my 3. I love my niece and nephew. I never get to see them, and I miss those kids. I was pumped to have them over here to play for a whole day. What the hell was I thinking? Oh. My. Lanta. I am so tired from chasing 4 kids around and trying to look after the baby I am not sure if I am really writing this post or just dreaming that I am writing this post. The kids were all very well behaved, except for the odd punching/shoving/name-calling/sand thrown in the eyes (a la World Wrestling Federation) incident.

We had a lovely little picnic in the yard followed by much playing followed by Paranoid Mom/Auntie dragging all the kids in the house after lunch because of the high UV index. At which time we made crafts. I use the term "made crafts" loosely because while the 5 year old nephew actually has an attention span bigger than that of a goldfish and can sit and color the template for a toilet paper roll dinosaur, the 4 year old Hurricane and the 2 year old niece don't. The Hurricane is more interested in scribbling on his template reallyreallysuperfast in order to be done so he can continue tearing the house apart and jumping on my couches. The 2 year old was happy to cover her whole template page in glue. Nothing on top of the glue; no foamy shapes or fuzzy balls or macaroni.. just glue. Yes, it is as fun to cut out the shapes on gluey paper as it sounds. She is not one to be limited to the four sides of a page, either.. nooooo.. glue is also fun to paint on your arms. And your clothes. And my kitchen table. Fun times, people. Can't wait until her mommy sees that. Yet one more thing to tsk tsk my bad parenting with.

Fortunately (for me and all the anklebiters), The Greatest Sister In All The Whole Wide World (aka my sister), was here for part of the day to help out. It was pretty fun, to see all four of the bigger kids playing together. Got some really great pictures, too. Pictures that will maybe one day be downloaded off the camera; one day when I am not contemplating forgoing dental care or contact lens removal in favor of falling into a coma on the couch.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Disapproval, Judgement.. and the Art of Not Caring

Many moons ago (well, ok, like last year), my sister-in-law and I had it out on the phone. I won't make a short story long by getting into the whole schmozzle, but it ended badly. The last thing she said to me before she slammed down the phone was, "You're a bad, bad, bad mother doing a bad, bad, bad job!" My response: laughter and the certainty that I was being Punk'd. Her main issue with me was the way I raise my kids. She got supremely pissed when I said to her, "I. Don't. Care. What. You. Think. Your. Opinion. Doesn't. Mean. Shit. To. Me." And yes, I said it slowly and carefully to ensure she did not miss a word.

Every day people judge us and find we do not measure up to their unspoken ridiculous standard of what we should be. Or they disapprove of the way we do things, or the decisions we make. To which I say, "Who really gives a shit what other people think?" It really annoys people when you tell them you don't care about their opinion of you, which is kind of fun, actually. Of course, I do care that my husband thinks I'm a good wife, that my friends think I'm a good friend, that my kids (when they are older) think I did a good job raising them, that my patients (when I actually get to go back to work) think I am doing a good job. I'm talking more about the other people in our lives who are more.. peripheral, for lack of a better word.

There is a valid basis to not caring what other people think of you; other people are not working at your job, or married to your husband, or raising your hellions, or worried about a family member who might have a serious health problem, or struggling in the million other ways that each of us struggle. If they haven't walked in your shoes, why do they get a say in how you should run your life? Who died and made them the Disapproval Police?

My best friend D (names changed to protect the guilty) has a fantastic way of living her life and raising her kids: if it is not going to hurt my family morally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, or mentally.. laissez les bontemps roulez!! (Let the good times roll!! If you don't speak Le French.) She let her daughters dye their hair funky colors like pink and purple and blue before they were even ten years old!! Horrors!! She let her 12 year old get her nose pierced!! For shame!! But no, not really for shame. I admire D a lot; she has the courage to let her children be themselves, in spite of what people will think and say.

And yes, I do let my children run around outside without a coat on (or sometimes footwear) this early in spring.

Yes, I did give my son a faux-hawk today and wondered if 4 years old is too young for funky hair dye.

Yes, I make sarcastic remarks to my kids that they have no idea what I'm talking about but I think are funny.

Yes, Hot Stuff and I think making jokes about each other (Hot Stuff: "Fatass." Me: "Why hasn't someone shot and mounted you yet, Bald Eagle?") and divorce (Hot Stuff: "I'm leaving you." Me: "Just make sure the cheques clear each month") is hilarious.

Yes I laugh inappropriately and am blunt and tactless and sometimes standoffish.

So go ahead and judge. It won't bother me one bit. I'll still keep kicking along, and I'm pretty happy with who I am and the way I live. Who really gives a shit what other people think, anyway?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Day of Disgusting Things

Disgusting thing #1: You always know the day is off to a great start when the first bottle of the day gets thrown up all over you. No (unfortunately) not my first bottle (of vodka) of the day. The 6 month old baby's first bottle of the day. I love to scrub baby barf out of pillows and couches and such, and also enjoy smelling of barfed up formula.

Disgusting thing #2: Whilst changing two baby bums on the couch (Oooh.. bad mommy!! You're supposed to change babies on the floor so they don't roll off the couch.. again), I happened to notice a "strange" smell. "Eau du crotch of homeless crazy lady" comes close to describing it. Of course, I have a mini internal freak-out, thinking that my poor Princess has some terrible, raging, flesh-eating vag infection, but no, because when I picked her up to smell her (yes, I really did that), the smell wasn't coming from her. It was coming from the couch. And also from the dog, our 7 year old female bullmastiff. It was so strong when I bent down to smell the dog (yes, I really did that), all of my nose hairs fell out. Why do I feel the need to get that close to her ass end? Turns out that when female dogs get old, their secretions change. Change from "no smell" to "disgusting rotten gnarly smell" apparently. I guess she slept on the couch last night and decided to give herself a crotch bath before settling in. UGH!! Maybe next time I'll give her a bath. With a fire hose and some Febreze. I did mention how much I love scrubbing couches, right? I *heart* Mr. Clean Disinfecting Wipes.

Disgusting thing #3: Today is clean the bathrooms day around here, one of my favorite jobs (heavy sarcasm). I noticed that the sink was draining verrryy slowly. Sure enough, my darling, precious angels have been spending quality time shoving diaper wipes down the sink drain. What about the plug for the sink, you say? Doesn't the plug stop things from going down the drain, you say? BROKEN. Yanked clean out of the drain and left on the floor. By my darling, precious angels.

Disgusting thing #3A: I am now certain that there are a few drunk hobos (with really bad aim) out there who are missing their asses, as it appears a few of them have exploded on my toilet. UGH!!

Who says the life of a stay at home mama ain't glamorous?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Oh where to begin on this Not Me! Monday!! Well, first, I did not burst out laughing at soccer on Wednesday when my 4 year old ran off the field mid-game and proceeded to pee right out in the open where everyone could see him. I also did not point him out and make jokes when he started waving his penis around like a fire hose. That would be a terrible example of mothering.

Yesterday, I most certainly did not cause my sister and I to tear the house apart looking for baby carseat shoulder pads that I later realized never existed in the first place. Nope! I also most certainly never said, "I must be losing my f*cking mind!!" loud enough for all three children to hear. I would never do such a thing.

Although I admit to having the same sense of humor as an immature 12 year old, I definitely didn't offer to give my husband a bl*wjob while wearing my new nighttime mouthguard. My sister and I both did not find that so funny we could not stop laughing. Especially when I didn't put said night guard in my mouth, sit in hubby's lap, and suck my teeth while giving him lascivious winks. That would be disgusting. I would never do that. Not me!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Really, there is nothing I won't talk about..

I had a baby six months ago and yes, I know, it takes a while for a person's body to get back to normal after pushing a Watermelon out the ol' Garden Hose. Still, (here is the part where I piss and moan) is it really necessary to have a THREE WEEK LONG period? No, not necessary. Someone please tell my uterus that. I tried. Didn't work.

Me: "Hello, uterus?"

Uterus: "Yo."

Me: "Hi, yes, um, I was just wondering when you were going to knock off the sh*t?"

Uterus: "Je suis tres desole, mais je ne parle pas englais. Bon soir!"

I detected a note of falseness and a touch of sarcasm.

I am very sore today as I did work out yesterday, being back on BFL. I do feel much better being on a solid eating plan instead of eating willy-nilly whatever and whenever I want. I need routine. I flaked out today, because I was so sore from yesterday that I kept putting off my cardio until it was too late. In my defence, I was busy cleaning up sh*t. After the Princess got out of the tub, she took a poo on the dining room floor, walked back to the bathroom, had another poo there, which she then walked through, back to the first pile of poo in the dining room. Then she tried to wipe it off her feet. Fantastic. Back in the tub for another wash, and then jammies and a clean bum (aka diaper). While I was getting her diaper on, Hot Stuff was getting Mr. Mellow ready for his bath, and I happened to see that he sh*t up the back of his undershirt. Yes, all the way to his armpits. Fantastic. Managed to get him wiped down and into the tub, then it was time to get the Hurricane into the tub. The Hurricane has been sick with some kind of throat ailment yesterday and today, so he has been so well behaved, calm, and cuddly. Until bathtime. You'd think I asked him to chop an arm off. Finally got him tubbed and into jammies, and all kids went to bed. Then Mr. Mellow woke up half an hour later and needed the rest of his bedtime bottle to go back to sleep. Then the Hurricane was crying and needing mommy to give him medicine and lay with him to sleep. So that is what kept me away from the bike from 6:00 to 9:00. The other 10 hrs of today? I'm just plum f*cking lazy. I will make it up tomorrow.

Friday, May 15, 2009

It's late and I'm tired

My oldest boy is at his cousin's for a sleepover tonight, and my sister is staying here. My husband isn't working tomorrow, so that means I don't have to get up early with the kids. So what the hell, might as well stay up late and write.

Not sure if it's a confluence of events or if I'm just over-sensitized these days, but I seem to be reading about death lately. My heart goes out to Kayleigh and Maddie's families. The worst, most horrific thing I can think of is to lose a child. It is so scary that I can't look too closely at it, because the sadness is too much. Of course, reading the comments is also gut-wrenching, because it seems so many can relate.

Mother's Day was last Sunday, and I didn't take time to grieve for my mother. Stupid me, you would think I learned my lesson when she passed away and I tried to pretend that I had dealt with it and life was under control. Ha! Maybe the tears I'm crying aren't just for the families of those little angels, but also for my mom. I miss her a lot. I am so good about keeping my feelings hidden around other people, but this just sucks. I miss my mommy. I miss the mother who gave advice and comfort, and who was my role model and friend. I even miss her overbearing ways. I miss her smell (covergirl foundation), and the way she would walk up beside me, put her arm around my waist, and give a little squeeze. Okay, now I need to move on to another topic because I'm not ready to stand that close to her memory.

Who am I kidding? I need to go have a good cry.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Little People who don't stay little.

Today I took my son to his first day of Preschool. The "test drive," so to speak. I thought this was one of those things where parents are supposed to stay for the whole two hours, but it was optional. I asked my little Hurricane, "Honey, do you want me to stay with you or will you be okay if I leave?"

To which he replied, "Mom, I want you to go."

Apparently I did not leave fast enough for him, because thirty seconds later he said again, "Moooommmm, I want you to leave this place!!"

I was left with the strangest feeling when I walked out of the preschool; somewhere between sorrow and pride. Very proud that my child is independent enough not to need me to hold his hand, and sad that.. well, he is independent enough not to need me to hold his hand. Of course, in true little kid fashion, he brought my pride back to earth. When I picked him up, he said to me, "Mom, I took the band-aid off my finger." Me: "Where did you put it? In the garbage?" Him: "No, in the sandbox."

UGH!!! GROSS!!!!!! My apologies to all teachers who work in preschools where children have parents like me: I did not volunteer to go digging through the sandbox because I had my other two babies waiting in the truck. So I'm sorry. Also, touching used band-aids disgusts me. I don't get paid to do that sh*t, and unfortunately, you do.

So I just finished my first post-baby #3 Body for Life challenge. Honestly, I was just phoning it in this time. It wasn't until that last two or three weeks that I was actually making an effort. Needless to say, I lost a grand total of 6 lbs and 4 inches. It definitely is a lot harder to lose the baby weight this time. I am taking a week off before starting the next challenge, so I'm sure I will have put on the 6 lbs and 4" by next Saturday. Judging by the way I am chowing in the Toffee Bits Triangles, I will be lucky if it's only 6 lbs I have gained back.

I got a great Mother's Day present this year; my envelope from Plan Canada arrived and I got to find out about the girl I sponsored. She is 13, goes to secondary school (walks 45 minutes both ways), lives with her mom, dad, brothers and a sister in a small country (or kingdom, not sure which) called Benin. I got a little blurb about her family and her region, and a couple of pictures of her. She is beautiful! I can't wait to find out more about her.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Oh where to begin on this Not Me! Monday. Well first, I did not drag my kids and my sister on a 5 hour road trip to go to a wedding this weekend. I also did not cave and let my son eat worthless Dunkaroos instead of healthy snacks while on the road. My children, my little precious angels, did not stay awake all night on Thursday night. Because my children were not wide-awake, I most assuredly did not drag my 4 year old son down the hall, down the elevator, and outside the hotel at 2:00am to give him hell and tell him that if he needed to talk and run around so bad, he should do it outside in the parking lot. At 4:00am, I also did not pack my still wide-awake kids in the truck and drive around for half an hour looking for Gravol. Nope. Not me!

I did not have a major internal freak out at said wedding while standing at the mic attempting to be the MC. I did not stare out at the crowd and wish desperately that the floor would open up and swallow me. Not once did I screw up on the order of the speeches, pick the wrong song for the bride/groom and parent's dance, or at any time point the mic at the speaker, resulting in ear-shattering feedback. I also didn't forget to bring my camera. Never. I am calm, cool, and collected always. Because I am so cool, I definitely didn't sit down with the bride's brother and cause him to look like he just got punched in the guts when I brought up his ex-girlfriend, the one who broke his heart. Nope. Not me!

I also did not let my children run like wild savages at the reception, forget to brush their teeth at least once every day this week, or pretend that I don't see the lake of formula on the floor from where the bottle leaked through the bouncy chair.

Right now, I am not sitting at the computer at 1:00 in the afternoon, still not dressed, still not showered, with unbrushed teeth, letting my son watch the movie "Cars" for the second time today. And I am definitely not thinking of getting a snack and kicking my kid off the TV so I can sit down and watch Dr. Phil. Nope, not me!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Stupid and Painful

So last night before I went to bed, I decided to wax my mustache. No problem, I have the ready to use wax strips that you just rub between your hands to warm up, peel apart, place them over your top lip, rip off, and bingo bango, no more facial hair. All went well until I decided to see what it would be like to wax my legs. Box says, 'Can be used even on short hair!' so I said to myself, "Self, this is a good idea. It's a pretty small wax strip, so give it a shot."

Well, I warmed up the strip between my hands, peeled it apart, and placed it on my leg, pressing it into my skin in the direction of the hair growth. JUST like the box said to do. Pulled my skin taut and quickly removed the wax strip in opposite direction of hair. JUST like the box said to do. Except when I did it, and pulled off the wax strip, only the paper backing came off. I had a lovely square of hair wax on my leg. Quick thinker that I am, I grabbed the other wax strip and pressed it over the one on my leg, rubbed it vigorously to warm it up, and pulled. And was left with a paper backing in my hand and two layers of wax on my leg. Again with the brilliant ideas, I dug through my cupboard o' bathroom stuff and and found some muslin strips (used for leg waxing). Again with the pressing and rubbing, I applied the muslin strip over the wax layer and pulled. It didn't take off the wax, but now my double layer of wax had a nice furry muslin coating on it. After several attempts at chipping off the wax, pulling in every direction with the paper backings and muslin strips, rolling the wax, I managed to get some of it off. Mostly the wax just stuck on my leg. I went to bed like this: furry pink square of wax on the front of my calf, surrounded by throbbing angry red skin from all the pulling and such.

In case you're wondering, my leg is no longer red or throbbing. Still have most of the fuzzy pink square of wax, though. It's not so bad, only the parts that the muslin fell off of are sticking to my pants.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Not Me! Monday (My first ever!!)

Well, where does one begin with Not Me! Monday? Giving credit where credit is due, of course. Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I most certainly did not stay up waaayyy too late last night, then wake up cranky this morning and spend the first hour complaining about how tired I am. Did I pretend I didn't hear my Little Dude fussing while I was in the shower this morning, and gave my hair an extra shampoo? No way. Since my sister was here this weekend I definitely did not completely slack off and let her do all the child care, meal prep, and cleaning. Nope! And just now, I didn't brush lunch crumbs from the Princess's shirt and pants onto the floor and call the dog over to lick them up instead of sweeping. I would never do such a thing. Not me!