Creepy Crawlies

Ever have a conversation with someone about lice and your head starts to itch? Lice. Lice. Licelicelice. I bet your head is itchy now, isn't it?

I have a ridiculous and rampant phobia of spiders, bugs, fliers, and creepers of allsorts. To make a short story long: it all goes back to when I was a youngster of about 8 years old. My brother and I were playing tag and I ran into a spider web of newly hatched baby spiders. The last thing I remember was running through the web and feeling them crawl on my face and arms. I don't remember running in the house screaming hysterically or my mom throwing me in the tub. (Ugh. Barf. Hope my kids never do this because I am not carrying a spider-covered child through the house to the bathtub. I will turn the hose on them first.)

Slowly I am trying to get over this fear by not immediately throwing on a pair of my husband's biggest work boots and stomping the bug to sh*t while singing at the top of my lungs. Tends to frighten small children.

So tonight, I am getting ready to bathe my dirty rugrats and there is a spider in the tub. No sweat. I grab a my cleaning bucket, scoop out the spider, and fling it (just the spider, not the bucket and the spider) out the patio door. Well I am just feeling pretty darn good about myself. I didn't hardly want to throw up at all! Back to the bathroom: there is a monster bee flying around the bathroom. It might be the biggest bee in the world. When I saw it, I thought to myself, "Self, that looks like an African Killer Bee. Not that I've ever seen one, but that is exactly how I imagine they would look." Ok, it's cool, I'm cool. I can do this! Head over to the window, take out the screen, and crank it open all the way. The stupid bee won't fly out!! It keeps climbing up and down the curtain. Then it flies behind the dryer. Oh F*ck. Seriously. I need to get these kids bathed. So, I slap a smile on my face and pretend there is not a bee lurking behind the dryer waiting for me to fall asleep tonight so it can sting me to death. (Not melodramatic or crazy at all!!)

I have never bathed three small children so fast in my life. Ever. I am not even sure how clean they got. I am fairly certain that at least 70% of 2 out of 3 children got clean. Close enough is good enough.

The bee, as of thisminute, has not been seen again. DUM DUM DUM...

I, however, cannot stop scratching and slapping at imaginary bugs on myself. I am probably not crazy. Although if I am, I would like to be referred to as "mentally hilarious" and not "mentally insane."