Rules

I have had numerous conversations with the Hurricane about the purpose of rules. He can tell me that rules are very important to follow and rules keep us safe. He can't follow the rules for shit.

Some of what I'm talking about:

Rule #26: Mommy locks the front and patio doors while she is in the shower to ensure that small children do not go outside and get stolen by strangers or wander outside the gate and get creamed on the highway. Please note: Running into the bathroom while Mommy is towelling off and admitting you climbed up on a chair to unlock the door and went outside will not get you out of trouble. Especially if, in the middle of Mommy giving you hell about getting stolen or getting dead, there is a pounding knock on the front door.

Rule #11: No climbing on your desk then jumping into your toybox, should you fall and land on the top of your head. (How do they do that?)

Rule #37: Watch where you are going, and do not run, especially in the grocery store and/or Wal-Mart, lest you crash into people, carts, or displays several times, causing everyone in the aisle to give your mother a judgemental frown, known as "The Look."

Rule #38: Do not walk directly in front of the cart because Mommy is not very good about watching where she is going and may accidently run into you causing everyone in the aisle to give her The Look. Again.

Rule #2: Do not talk to strangers. Especially to ask them if they are Bad Strangers.

Rule #40: Do not use Mommy's shampoo and Daddy's shampoo as bubble bath for your sister, because she will become so slick that Mommy cannot get a grip on her and she will think it is a really fun game involving splashing water all over the floor and Mommy. Mommy will almost break her neck trying to get a scrap towel to soak up the lake of soapy water on the bathroom floor.

Rule 54: Please. No headstands on the couch. And definitely no headstands on the couch that make your neck go a funny angle when you flop over. It's not good for Mommy's heart.

Rule #9: No pretend punching or kicking, as you may inadvertently kick your sister in the head; Mommy gets anxious over these kinds of things.

Rule #71: Do not touch things that don't belong to you. Things like the stereo/CD player. Since you jammed the remote control into the CD tray and broke it (I am at a loss of how the remote even fit into the opening), we only have the radio. If you break my radio, I will be forced to have kids TV on and Mommy will go insane from listening to kids TV.

We have a lot of rules, I know; and this is just a sample. I make them up on the fly, it's kind of a running list. Perhaps I should put them on audiotape and just have it running in the background during the day. Or maybe subliminally at night. Or I could skip all that hard work and just do this: