Friday, November 27, 2009

I found even more stuff wrong with me.

So I'm at the doctor's office the other day, waiting patiently ("patient"ly, get it?) in the exam room, and I notice a sheet entitled Therapeutic Management of Hormone Excess and Deficiency with Marvelon or something similar.  Basically, it's a graph sheet showing estrogen, progesterone, and androgen levels at different times of the cycle, along with other signs and symptoms that the birth control pill, Marvelon, (aka Alesse) can help alleviate.

Curious, I started reading it.  I was surprised to discover that I am Estrogen Deficient:

Difficulty falling asleep
Poor concentration - It's why I never play those stupid Facebook apps.
Forgetfulness (I shit you not, it's on the sheet twice)
Decreased verbal skills
Irregular bleeding
Lower libido
Emotional instability - Did you just call me a flake?

Strangely enough, I am also Estrogen Dominant:

PMS - Pass My Shotgun
Irregular bleeding
Low libido
Heavy menstruation
Weight gain - Because all the other shit on this list isn't enough?
Mood swings - Do you have a problem with my moods?
Sleep disturbances - They're called KIDS.
Sugar cravings

And yes, Progesterone Deficient:

Fluid Retention
Stressed Easily
Weight gain - HELLO? We get it.
Irritability - YEAH. I KNOW ALREADY.
PMS - Pardon My Sweatpants
Heavy Periods
Irregular cycle/spotting between cycles
Over Reacting - Excuse me? Excuse *Me*? What, exactly, are you trying to say? No, no, really. Let's hear it.
Mood swings - I'm sorry I snapped at you.
Irritability - Is there a POINT to this constant repetition?

Oh My Lanta, Androgen Dominant, too?

Acne/oily skin - Especially my forehead. It's reflective, almost.
Facial hair - If I ever run out of turtle wax, I will be sure to use some of my Forehead Grease to keep my mustache and also my chiskers nice and shiny.
Angry - Well, duh, look at what I'm dealing with, here!
Irritable - Stop bringing it up! You're just pissing me off!

Of course I'm Androgen Deficient as well, why wouldn't I be?

Loss of libido
Loss of muscle tone
Wrinkled skin
Lack of drive - Meh..
Demotivation - I'll finish this later..

So what it all comes down to, is that I am a big fat shiny whale with a hair-trigger temper, a mustache, and a bad attitude and I tend to overreact and go Nuclear at the slightest provocation. After said outburst, I'm likely to flop down and have myself a good cry. Who knew I was so much fun?



  1. I never got that, why too much of something has the same symptoms as not enough...It's God's little joke, I think.

    *I* think (and we all know how qualified I am so listen to me, missy) it's from (how did you put it...) "popping kids out like a pez dispenser." I know I was perfectly normal until after the 3rd one. The 4th was just sprinkles on the icing.

  2. You are too funny Stone Fox!

    Love, the Best Sister Ever

  3. Androgen Dominant! After all this time, finally, an answer.

  4. Yeah. Blame it on the kids. And, sleep disturbance--they're called kids? Cracked me up. And made me cry. I am so tired. You?

  5. We are, none of us, perfect. Except me. I am a perfect balance of all hormones. It happens for about three minutes once a month and I'm usually sleeping when it occurs. But if I so much as eat a piece of celery, it all gets fucked up. And down. And sideways apparently, since it's all the same symptom, according to this list.

    Drug companies. Leave it to them to come up with a solution to a problem you didn't know you had (until you had kids, of course)

  6. Wait. So what's the solution to this problem? If you've got too much AND too little Estrogen, and too much AND too little Androgen and too little Progesterone, what exactly do you do about it? Besides shipping the kids and the husband off to Antarctica, of course.

  7. I love how every area has virtually the same symptoms. It's moments like this where I feel compelled to mock modern medicine and it's seemingly total inability to part the veils on women's health.


Please, let me know how immensely my writings have changed your life for the better. Remember, one can never be too effusive.