I'll even let you kick my ass.

As a teenager and young adult, I could never envision a future self who was not filled with an abundance of energy and lust for life.  I would always be decisive; life for me would always be black or white.  I could not see a future time when I would not have the coordinates for the exact direction my life would go.  I had always been able to chart my path and follow it, so why would my adulthood be any different?

Looking back, I have this irresistible urge to give my young self a pat on the head as I laugh in a knowing, condescending way.

I feel as though I have been in a fog for a long time.  I can't say exactly when it started, only that it has been building up for a while.  At the same time, I feel as though I am coming out of the New Baby stage with my Little Dude, and that is like a weight slowly lifting from my shoulders.  Tiny babies are so much work and they take everything.  So, on one hand, my physical workload is getting smaller, but it feels as though my mental workload is getting bigger.  So many things to keep track of, all the time.  Kids, and kid stuff, and money stress and marriage stress, so many balls in the air for one juggler.

The root of the solution begins with me.  I know that.  Finding the root of the problem is unimportant right now, as I need to get out from underneath everything first.  I am missing two things to accomplish this: clarity, and motivation. 

All this fog has left me wishy-washy and seemingly unable to make a decision on anything one way or another.  I spent a good 15 minutes on the phone with Hot Stuff yesterday humming and hawing about whether I should get winter tires or winter-rated all seasons.  He found a great deal on top-of-the-line winter-rated all seasons, and I should have immediately jumped all over it.  I didn't.  I insisted we go through all the pros and cons, because I couldn't decide.  Because I'm some kind of tire expert?  Because I can't just take his word on it?  I had to yell at myself, Take the damn tires, already, before he divorces your soul-sucking ass! before I agreed to get winter-rated all seasons.

What is killing me most is my lack of motivation.  I have really let myself go.  Not just packing on pounds, but not doing anything for myself.  I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks, and I have not been eating well at all for a couple of months.  My diet consists of breakfast, supper, and large amounts of junk food.  Literally.  Not an exaggeration.  I can't actually remember the last time I ate a healthy, decent lunch.  I only shower about twice a week, and forget about keeping my nethers tidy or shaving my legs.  Again, I am not sleeping well.  I am tired all the time.  My period is here and gone, here and gone.  In the past, I have had the most success by starting with diet and exercise, and most of the other stuff resolves itself.  I am really struggling this time to get on track, or even just to tone it down some.

When the Hurricane was born, I lost about 30 pounds of baby weight through breast feeding and just being a new mom, with all that entails.  When he turned one, I got on the scale and weighed in at 172 lbs.  (Just so you don't have to do the math, I was 219 lbs right before I went into the hospital to have him.  He was somewhere between 7 - 8 lbs when he was born. Obviously, I am fucking awesome at eating for 2.)  I was dismayed, to say the least, to realize that I still had 25 lbs to lose to be at my healthy weight.  I did it, though.  The healthy way, with diet and exercise; it only took me 12 weeks, too.  Man, did I feel awesome.  Anyways, this is relevant because: Little Dude turns one in a week; my weight, as of this morning, is 170.5 lbs.  I had seriously hoped to not be in this position again.

I need an ass-kicking to kick-start me back into exercise.  I really, really miss the sweat and pain, as sick as that sounds.  I always feel so much better about myself when I know that I am strong and my clothes feel good.  Heathy body, healthy mind, yo.  I just can't seem to make myself.  My get-up-and-go done got-up-and-left.

Since I can't decide which method I should use to get myself fired up (rewards? threats? psychology? reverse-psychology?), I would love to hear your ways of getting inspired, and/or any fire-in-the-belly speeches you can lay on me.  Feel free to virtually and verbally kick my ass in the spirit of encouragement.