Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'll even let you kick my ass.

As a teenager and young adult, I could never envision a future self who was not filled with an abundance of energy and lust for life.  I would always be decisive; life for me would always be black or white.  I could not see a future time when I would not have the coordinates for the exact direction my life would go.  I had always been able to chart my path and follow it, so why would my adulthood be any different?

Looking back, I have this irresistible urge to give my young self a pat on the head as I laugh in a knowing, condescending way.

I feel as though I have been in a fog for a long time.  I can't say exactly when it started, only that it has been building up for a while.  At the same time, I feel as though I am coming out of the New Baby stage with my Little Dude, and that is like a weight slowly lifting from my shoulders.  Tiny babies are so much work and they take everything.  So, on one hand, my physical workload is getting smaller, but it feels as though my mental workload is getting bigger.  So many things to keep track of, all the time.  Kids, and kid stuff, and money stress and marriage stress, so many balls in the air for one juggler.

The root of the solution begins with me.  I know that.  Finding the root of the problem is unimportant right now, as I need to get out from underneath everything first.  I am missing two things to accomplish this: clarity, and motivation. 

All this fog has left me wishy-washy and seemingly unable to make a decision on anything one way or another.  I spent a good 15 minutes on the phone with Hot Stuff yesterday humming and hawing about whether I should get winter tires or winter-rated all seasons.  He found a great deal on top-of-the-line winter-rated all seasons, and I should have immediately jumped all over it.  I didn't.  I insisted we go through all the pros and cons, because I couldn't decide.  Because I'm some kind of tire expert?  Because I can't just take his word on it?  I had to yell at myself, Take the damn tires, already, before he divorces your soul-sucking ass! before I agreed to get winter-rated all seasons.

What is killing me most is my lack of motivation.  I have really let myself go.  Not just packing on pounds, but not doing anything for myself.  I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks, and I have not been eating well at all for a couple of months.  My diet consists of breakfast, supper, and large amounts of junk food.  Literally.  Not an exaggeration.  I can't actually remember the last time I ate a healthy, decent lunch.  I only shower about twice a week, and forget about keeping my nethers tidy or shaving my legs.  Again, I am not sleeping well.  I am tired all the time.  My period is here and gone, here and gone.  In the past, I have had the most success by starting with diet and exercise, and most of the other stuff resolves itself.  I am really struggling this time to get on track, or even just to tone it down some.

When the Hurricane was born, I lost about 30 pounds of baby weight through breast feeding and just being a new mom, with all that entails.  When he turned one, I got on the scale and weighed in at 172 lbs.  (Just so you don't have to do the math, I was 219 lbs right before I went into the hospital to have him.  He was somewhere between 7 - 8 lbs when he was born. Obviously, I am fucking awesome at eating for 2.)  I was dismayed, to say the least, to realize that I still had 25 lbs to lose to be at my healthy weight.  I did it, though.  The healthy way, with diet and exercise; it only took me 12 weeks, too.  Man, did I feel awesome.  Anyways, this is relevant because: Little Dude turns one in a week; my weight, as of this morning, is 170.5 lbs.  I had seriously hoped to not be in this position again.

I need an ass-kicking to kick-start me back into exercise.  I really, really miss the sweat and pain, as sick as that sounds.  I always feel so much better about myself when I know that I am strong and my clothes feel good.  Heathy body, healthy mind, yo.  I just can't seem to make myself.  My get-up-and-go done got-up-and-left.

Since I can't decide which method I should use to get myself fired up (rewards? threats? psychology? reverse-psychology?), I would love to hear your ways of getting inspired, and/or any fire-in-the-belly speeches you can lay on me.  Feel free to virtually and verbally kick my ass in the spirit of encouragement.


  1. First off- I am posting something tomorrow about my get up and go. You must know that I didn't copy you- we just think alike!

    Here's my encouragement...hopefully. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. How's that?

    But, I need to lose weight so I don't know how much clout you can put into my words. :)

  2. We can do it! Just as soon as I get over this fucking flu. Right now I can barely motivate myself to fucking eat.

    Come on, baby, you and me, let's do it.

    (are you depressed?)

    (also, I love you)

    (also I have a fever)

  3. I don't know what to say to motivate you, but I do know that you've spent 4 years being pregnant and giving birth-which puts our bodies in High Alert mode. High Alert mode means Store Fat Store Fat We're Gonna Starve!!! So if you think about it, your body is doing what it thinks is right to save your life and allow you to raise your offspring. It's not Bad You or Bad Body letting you down. So maybe approaching it differently mentally might help? View it as your superior genes kicking in and making sure you and your progeny are suriviors. So you can then harness those Superior Survival of The Fittest genes to survive this too.

  4. Awright, time for me to kick your ass (in the kindest way possible, of course)

    I had 3 children in 3-1/2 years. They suck your soul, take your time, and it's completely easy to lose yourself in them entirely.

    Do you take a day off? I found a day care that would take them all one day a week, and give me a bulk discount. It saved my life.

    It's hard to work out when you're busy keeping kids from sticking things in light sockets or throwing trucks on the baby's head. And working out to Sesame Street somehow lacks something. Plus, you're in Canada, right? So loading up the stroller and hoofing it down the street only works 3 months a year. Hm. At least you have an excuse. Can't help you with the exercise.

    As for the food, keep stuff in the fridge that you can grab and eat. DON'T keep junk food in the house. I've found that the ONLY way I can not eat junk food is by being really strong for the hour I'm in the store, and not buying any. then, there's healthy stuff in the fridge like apples, carrots, etc that I can grab and eat. In order to not feel *completely* denied anything tasty, one day a week I eat whatever I want. The other six it's Good Foods Only. Here's a quick and yummy lunch: put some frozen berries in a bowl (maybe 1-1/2 cups worth) and microwave for 2 minutes until quite hot and all mushy. Sprinkle on a SMALL spoonful of sugar or a packet of Splenda. Then dollop on top a cup of cottage cheese. eat that. The hot berries and cold CC are nice together, it's fast and easy and pretty good for you, too.

    This is a grey and gloomy spot you're in, and tedious, too. I promise, it gets better. As the kids grow and become more independent, as they start school and all, you'll have more time for yourself. I remember someone telling me once "oh enjoy them while they're little! it goes by so fast!" and I wanted to scream at them "OH HELL NO IT DOESN'T!" because it didn't. It took forever. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now because it's in a bend. It's there. And it DOES take a loooong time. I thought my kids were little for EONS...but eventually they got through it, and you will too. trust me! Would I lie to you about this?

  5. I don't know EXACTLY what you're going through, not being a mom, but I do know what it feels like to feel blah and meh and have no get up and go. First, major hugs for you 'cause it sucks to feel that way.

    Now, as for working out, I'm a super competitive person so I think working out for a GOAL is way more fun than just working out. Sign up for a 10K or some kind of fun run or fun swim and start training for it. That way you know all your working out will actually have a purpose other than losing weight. It makes it more fun.

    Also, someone else suggested a day just for you and I'm going to agree. Get rid of the kids and go to the gym for a few hours or just be you, hang out at home, take a bubble bath watch old episodes of Oprah. Whatever it is, just get a Stone Fox day. It will keep you sane.

  6. My go was put on hold for medical purposes, which is truly and sincerely depressing. As you just wrote about, it is really fucking HARD to get started on an excercise regime and I know very well that I'm going to struggle to get back into the routine once I'm green-lighted again.

    So, here's my advice: Remember that the amount of emotional torture you put yourself through because you're NOT exercising uses way more of your energy than you would need to just get up and get it done.

  7. I wish I had something freakin' helpful to offer. I, too, am overwhelmed by children, self, husband, and a full time job. I am here in my office trying to talk myself into going to the gym and instead I am all over the web. I am too lame to help you. Maybe tomorrow. And I hate my butt. And I weigh a lot more than you do. I think I better go away now.

  8. Oh DAMN. I just wrote you a kickass comment, and my computer ate it. It went something like this. YOU GO GIRL. I don't have weight to lose, but I have an emotional life to find. And an intellectual life to dig up from wherever she went and got buried. And I'm coming out of baby stage, too, and so thrilled and overwhelmed at the same time. And and and. I love that you wrote this honestly. And I am pulling for you. And please keep writing about it. Damn. My first comment was better.

  9. ooooo girl... I so feel your pain. & my baby is now F I V E.... I often look in the mirror & wonder how I let myself go...


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