Saturday, April 11, 2009

Judgement.. 'n stuff

So the coolest thing happened the other day. I got my 5 month old son's first giggles. It was.. awesome!! *ssssssiiiiggghhhhh* I have the biggest crush on my kids.

N E Ways, been thinking about the concept of judgement. Not in the biblical "God judgement" sense, but judgement from other people. I started thinking that judgement is really not about the judgee, but more about the judger. Makin sense, so far? Thought so. If someone thinks that I am not a good mother/wife/human being, what difference does it make to my life? None. They are not raising my kids/married to my husband/living my life. Judgement really is a grown up way to bully; putting other people down to feel superior. Why do grown ups judge? Because there is something lacking in them that they need to break others down in order to feel better about themselves. So really, it's not about the judgee, it's about the judger. Glad I took the time to think it through.

A couple of months ago, I was having some quiet grief time when my mind started to wander. There is nothing like the death of someone close to make you examine your own mortality. So, of course, I started thinking along the lines of, 'One day, I will no longer exist. I will no longer exist.' After that sparkling revelation, I had a moment of heart-seizing, breathless, skin-tingling terror. It felt like I got hit by an avalanche. It lasted maybe 30 seconds, which felt like a lifetime, until I could back away from that thought. Since then, I have been able to go back to it and examine it without the abject fear. Still not sure how I feel about it, except to say to myself, 'Self, everyone dies and you're not going to be any different. You won't care about being dead when you're dead, because you'll be dead.' Sometimes I am so deep.

I like to think that when you die, what you believed in life is what will be waiting for you. Christians will go to Heaven, Buddhists will be reincarnated, etc. Secretly, I think it's a blend of the two; you must be reincarnated until you learn all of life's lessons, then you get to go to Heaven. Heaven is a big giant library where you can learn the answers to all the questions in your lives that you didn't get answered. And you get to hang out with all the people you lost in your lives. I do believe in the 'judgement' part of life after death - either through "God judgement" or karma, everyone pays their dues.

On a cheerier note, tomorrow is Easter. Not being the Christian religious type, I only know that Christ was entombed then rose from the dead 3 days later. My Easter is about turkey and family and being so grateful for having my little people and hiding my 4 year old's Easter basket in a most excellent hiding spot. Boy, is he in for some hard work tomorrow!


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