Wednesday, December 9, 2009

10 Reasons I don't babysit for a living

I am a sucker for a hard-luck story, so when one of the other preschool moms asked me to watch her kids on a short term temporary please-please-my-last-sitter-crapped-out-and-you're-probably-not-a-psycho-I-mean-you-seem-like-a-nice-person-and-I-am-so-desperate-please basis, I caved and said yes, even though I have sworn never to look after anyone else's kids at least twice before. 

The Mix: in addition to my three, I also had a 4 year old girl and a 15 month old boy.

So here's why I keep swearing off babysitting:

1.  This shit always happens at the worst time; like when my Little Dude is cutting 2 molars at the same time and does nothing but sit in one spot and cry all day unless I carry him around or wear him on my back like a Gee-Damn pack animal.

2.  I have my own little psychos to trash my house, I don't need anyone else's little psychos to help.

3.  The fact that I referred to other people's children as "little psychos."

4. I really needed to go to the liquor store today but couldn't because it doesn't look good when you leave the truck running with 5 small children in it to go grab alcohol.

5. I didn't have time to work-out this morning before I picked up the little fartknockers.  I had my short-shorts and runners on, rolling with my black socks (how's that for a visual?) before I realized that shit, I was getting paid to watch someone else's kids and maybe I should be at least on the same floor of the house as them.

6. Loading 5 kids each with their own backpacks/diaper bags/booster seats/carseats into a vehicle, by yourself, is a fucking bitch to do.

7. The noise level.  It's like a Nine Inch Nails concert what with the discordant screeching and incoherent shouting all freaking day.

8.  HAPPY HOUR.  There is not enough sarcasm in the world to infuse into those two words when they are used to describe the hours between 4pm and 6pm, when children the world over go into full-on Nuclear Meltdown.

9. Today is not Free Day but I ate a lot of cookies.  From the stress. Yes, the stress from the little psychos.

10. I am way too tired to think of a #10.


  1. Another good reason to not take other people's kids to the liquor store is that would invariably be the time you'd have to explain the goose-egg that came from the bottle of Jack Daniels that they pulled off the shelf.

    Or so I would imagine.

  2. Oh my god, five kids at one time would send me screaming into the hills. More power to ya, honey.

  3. I sorta love you. Like you're almost my sister maybe, so I am saying this in the kindest possible way. You're an idiot.

  4. Five kids? Seriously? I think I'm not the only one that needs therapy.

    And fartknockers? I love it!! I'm definitely using that one!

  5. I hate watching other people's kids too. My kids don't even have friends over 'cause it's too darn difficult.

  6. I'm so glad it's not just me. I hate other peoples kids. Sometimes I bribe my husband with sex to go to birthday parties with my daughter.

    Don't take this the wrong way, but your kids can't come over. Ever. Or theirs ^ either.


Please, let me know how immensely my writings have changed your life for the better. Remember, one can never be too effusive.