Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dear Dr. Google: I have this weird rash..

Winter skin, oh winter skin, how ugly are thee.

After 10 years, my outer layer still thinks we live in a moderate coastal climate, and not this vast and frozen prairie.  As soon as the temperature drops below about -15 C the backs of my hands start to crack and bleed from the dry air.  I lotion, and I lotion ("It puts the lotion on it's skin. It PUTS the LOTION on IT'S SKIN.") and it's an okay solution at best.  I have tried every type of lotion out there, to little avail; inevitably, I start to dry out and wrinkle up and I look like this:

"I'll just have a spring water, no ice, please."

That's normal.

Not normal? Breaking out in a rash.  The backs and insides of my arms.  My legs.  My forearms.  I know it's not just regular eczema or psoriasis, as I have both of those all year round.  (Those lotion commercials that show the babes with the smooth arms and legs.. so relatable for me!) It's not scabies, because I had that when I was in my early twenties (don't judge, it's highly communicable).  It's not allergies, because I'm not eating anything different.  I don't think it's fungal, because it's not showing up in dark, sweaty crevices. And, I'm showering these days. Like, every day.  Yeah, I'm impressed, too.

I have narrowed it down to two possibilities: stress, which is entirely possible, although if that is the case, I would expect to be a solid mass of itchy redness; or dryer sheets.  Oh I love me some fresh smelling Fleecy.  Cheaper than Bounce, works just as good. I fear, though, that I may have to give up the nice sniffy stuff and go with the environmentally-friendly, fair-trade, sustainable-responsible-growth-organic-hemp-woven-by-certified-hippies-no-perfumes-not-tested-on-cute-fuzzy-bunnies dryer sheets, or no dryer sheets. No dryer sheets?! HA! Yeah, right. hair and socks static-clinged to the ass of my pants? Not to mention all the dog hair I'd have stuck to me? Think: Teen-Wolf.

As if I need any more help to look like a spaz. 

Speaking of my spazziness, Temerity-Jane interviewed me for the Great Interview Experiment, and she did an excellent job.  Click here if you want to read about me talking about myself. Go forth and laugh heartily.

Picture credit:


  1. You are FUNNY. Seriously. (ha)

    Thanks for the chuckles. I needed them. Over here it is all emo, all the time.

  2. My hands do the exact same thing in the winter AND I get a rash on the inside of my elbows and on my back where my bra rubs. Oh and on my back right where my armpit starts but not my armpit. TMI? Sorry. But I UNDERSTAND your pain!

  3. Fisherman's Friend?
    I use crisco on my kid when his dry skin gets really bad. First he showers, then when he's still damp I grease him up and put him in cotton pj.s He smells like fried chicken, but it works.

  4. Hello there. You are funny! I followed you from Momalom.

    I'd give up the dryer sheets. I'm one of those crazy hippies who uses scent free products and even mostly hangs up my clothes so they are often stiff and scratchy. It helps with the skin.

    I wrote about my itchiness a little while ago: It was very validating to learn that I was not alone!

  5. I am sorry to sounds like two men (one being my FATHER and the other being the FATHER in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) but..................Bag Balm. That will fix anything.


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