Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Alpha Male

Hubby and I went to the IMCA Modifieds SuperNationals (open-wheel racing!) tonight. On the way home, we started discussing what he was going to buy next for his pickup. First, he wants the chrome exhaust stacks, and then he is going to get some KC lights because his last pickup had KC lights and he sure misses them. I did mention that we are hillbillies, right? Ok, good. In case you don't know what KC lights are, see below.

On his old pickup, Hot Stuff had four mounted on his front grill (as above), four mounted on the roof of his cab facing forward, and two mounted on the roof of the cab facing backwards. Why backwards, you ask? Because if someone had the sheer audacity to tailgate him, flashing the brake lights simply would not suffice. It would be far more effective to flip on your rear KCs and temporarily blind the jerk behind you.

It was at this point (after only 6 years of marriage) that I realized I married an Alpha Male. Intrigued by this thought, I did a bit of surfing, got completely distracted for an hour, and sort of found what I was looking for. Traits of the alpha male include natural leadership skills (check), physical attractiveness (oh hell yes check), confidence (check), assertiveness (check), aggressiveness (check), demanding (check), egocentric (mm-hmm), constant need to reinforce own alpha status by dominating others (isn't how this started? Power struggle between alpha male and tailgater? Resulting in not just a show of dominance, but Scorched Eyeballs dominance).

I found a couple of "How to be an Alpha Male and Bang a Ton of Chicks" sites that included things like charisma and ability to make oneself the focus of a group, etc., but I'm not going there. I have no desire to Bang a Ton of Chicks. (Maybe one, I would. For fun. You know. If I was single. She'd have to be pretty hot. But not too hot, or I would feel inferior, and I can't get my freak on if I'm not feeling good about myself. Not hideous either, because that would throw my game off. And being a first-time lesbian, I wouldn't have much game. I'd have sweaty hands and the giggles. I don't need to be worried about saying inappropriate things like, "Ooh baby, it makes me so hot when you tickle me with your knuckle hair," on top of it. Not that looks count for that much, I'm not that shallow. So maybe one of us should be blind [and by 'one of us' I specifically mean the person who is not me], so the other person doesn't get wrapped up with body images. Blinding another person sounds extreme, so maybe we could just do it in the dark. Or wear blindfolds. Also, I'm going to put it on the table right now that I am not going to be responsible for the dental dam. I'm new at this and I don't need the extra stress. Just sayin'.)

But I digest.

Are these characteristics specific to alpha males? Or are they sprinkled throughout the male population? In my hour long Magical Mystery Tour across the internet, I couldn't find a definitive answer. What does it say about me (or any woman), that I am attracted to this type? Mainly, I think, it says that I had too much time on my hands and decided to fill it with a difficult man. But again, most men are difficult in some way, and isn't 'too much free time and not enough stress' the reason why most women get married? And honestly, I got tired of taking out the garbage myself.


  1. Hmmmm...I'm not sure I have anything to say about this post except, hmmmm.

  2. What about Smokin'-Hot-With-Low-Self-Esteem? I think that could work, no?

    I'd be cool with being a lesbian, except there would just be something missing that not only can I put my finger on, I can wrap my hand around.

    Hey, you brought it up.

  3. smokin hot with a lazy eye or snaggletooth would also work.

    also, i never considered the price of batteries. i wonder if lesbians use a lot of batteries, because they are kind of expensive. and what about the possiblities of electrocution or burnt out motors? i hear some of those sex toys are expensive. hardly seems worth it if you have to stop every 10 minutes to let your sex toy's motor cool down.

  4. Unleashing your inner Alpha Male is easier than you think. When you realize what you're doing... See how, now.


Please, let me know how immensely my writings have changed your life for the better. Remember, one can never be too effusive.