Firstborn

There is something different about the relationship between mother and firstborn vs. mother and.. otherborns (? What? Yeah, I made it up). I was so sure about everything when I first had my Hurricane; strangely, I didn't suffer from the lack of self-confidence that many first time moms do (oh, don't think I got off easy; I was really insecure when I had my second child). I knew exactly what I wanted to do; how I wanted to nurse him, dress him, change his bum, bathe him, how to handle a fever, etc., and I did it exactly the way I thought I should. Every day for the first 3.79 years of his life, even after the Princess came along, Hurricane and I would snuggle on the couch first thing in the morning. In the quiet livingroom, no radio, no TV. Sometimes for 3 minutes, sometimes for 20 minutes. We cuddled. I sniffed him. He talked baby jibberish. Magical, it was.

Of course, time marches on (Metallica, anyone?); another new baby comes into the mix. Things get too busy with two crying babies, little Hurricane gets to be little-bit-bigger Hurricane and no longer wants to cuddle with Mama Bear on the couch and let her sniff him, or Mama Bear doesn't have time to cuddle with the Hurricane right then.

Then little-bit-bigger Hurricane gets to be even-bigger-now Hurricane and is living life to the Extreme Max, man (insomuch as a 4 year old can). I feel like I am losing my little firstborn baby boy. I feel like I am running and running, but no matter how hard I try, I can't catch him. I want to reach out to him and yell, "Wait! I just need you to stop for a while until I catch up with the other two babies - don't grow anymore, ok? I just need more time with you before you get too big and I'm scared we will lose this.. whatever this is, ok?"

I guess because my other two little ones are still little, and I can make them cuddle with me, I don't feel those losses yet. Or maybe it's because after 3.64 years of cuddles everyday with my Hurricane who smells like dirty dog and baby soap, I miss that everyday-ness. (Yeah, I totally did it again there.)

Since I am all about being part of the solution, here's my input: what if moms got 10 minutes each morning to cuddle with the little baby their big kid once used to be? Think how wonderful it would be: so your 8 year old is a total shit today and you want to throttle him/her? What, your 16 year old just told you to f*ck off? Pffft.. wait until tomorrow; you'll get 10 minutes to cuddle with the adorable little toddler he/she used to be. Not so bad now, hey?

I am totally going to do this once I figure out how to warp reality to my will. Without benefit of superpowers (didn't win that genetic jackpot), voodoo (too much like work), or any sort of astral or meta-physical training. (I failed physics 101 in college. Twice.) Who's with me?