Monday, June 15, 2009

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Ahh, returning to Not Me! Monday.

What didn't I do this week?

Well, I didn't grab a clean diaper and whack two mosquitoes with it, wipe off mosquito guts, then put the diaper on my child. That. would. be. disgusting.

I also did not dress in a slightly see-through tank top (with a matching color but slightly darker bra underneath) and head into town to do some running around on Friday. (It sounds trampy when I write it, but really, it wasn't. I was wearing one of those La Senza super push up bras that makes my sweater puppies look really good.) While in town, I did not stop to get Frosty Shakes from Wendy's (my new favorite Free Day treat) and get caught in a torrential downpour when walking from the restaurant back to the truck, while carrying 4 drinks (Me to Wendy's counter guy: "Oh, no thanks. I don't need a drink tray, I'd rather struggle. Why? Because I'm a f*cking moron."). Good thing that slightly see-through tank top did not go completely see-through. That would be un-classy of me. Greatest Sister Ever (who was with me) did not pee her pants a little from laughing at me.

I did not totally forget to Engage Brain and give my 19 month old daughter a small Frosty Shake of her own with an easily removable lid. If I did do that, it would have led to her ripping the lid off and using her hand as a spoon to scoop out said Frosty Shake, then turning the cup upside down and dumping chocolate shake all over her, and then touching everything within reach; leaving chocolate all over her carseat, the back of my seat, the door, the window, herself. That would have been just stupid. Good thing I did not do that.

After not completely soaking through my slightly see-through tanktop, I did not have to stop at another grocery store, forcing me to mad-dash through the still pounding rain yet again. Even if this did happen, I would definitely not have ripped apart the truck only to realize that I had forgotten any sort of outerwear/sweater to cover up my indecent self.

The lady behind the counter at Superstore did not look at me like I had walked in wearing only cowboy boots and pasties.

Remember when I didn't wear jeans and a black shirt in the blazing sun and spend all evening sweating like a fat guy after too many bear claws? Yeah, I don't either. Good thing I didn't do it again on Saturday. Only this time, I did not wear jeans and a black t-shirt to our locale parade and fun day. I did not spend 4 hours (again, no sunscreen on me) walking around getting a sexy sunburn on my arms, not giving myself farmer's tan and gorgeous pit stains. (Black shirts do show sweat marks - especially sweat marks that creep down from armpit to hem and around the front and back).

Putting together the swing set today did not almost come to blows because Hot Stuff is not so frustrating he makes me start looking for brick walls to beat my face against. I did not jump in the truck after less than 5 minutes of "teamwork" and head into town bitching the whole way to my sister about husbands who feel the need to pull out a drill and drill holes where holes shouldn't be drilled, instead of reading instructions.

I did not get back from town and have a big ole smirk on my face when I noticed that Hot Stuff had put the swingset together the way I told him it was supposed to go. I also did not rub it in a few times. That is uncouth and I would not do that. Nope! Not me!


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