Thursday, June 4, 2009

I weigh 160.5lbs

Just sayin'.

For the last mmm.. 1000 weeks (as I weigh weekly), I have been unable to break under 160 lbs. It is fa-reaking frustrating sometimes!! I am asking for-- nay, begging, for suggestions from any or all of the... 4 of you who may be reading this. (Yeah, I said 4. So what if I am grossly inflating my readership?) I am sticking to my diet like white on rice and have increased the intensity of my workouts.

I have also tried snorting massive amounts of cocaine and speed to boost my energy, nicely balanced out by shooting steroids into my ass cheeks. (That was a joke. No, it's ok, I laughed.)

Speaking of white and ass, wow, I am one fish-belly white-assed chick. My face, which because I am always in a flop sweat from running from kid to kid and am always 10 minutes late for everything, is normally beet-red and sweaty apple-cheeked, so you can't tell how post-mortem pale I am. I made the mistake of putting shorts on yesterday and now I am legally blind. Only because I am such a computer geek good typist can I still type my blog. Can you tell I just figured out (read: googled) how to do the crossed out words thing?

The whole reason I put on shorts (other than it was so freaking hot I Confessed & Repented) was to get some sun on my legs while I gardened, but I think I am actually so white that the UV rays are being reflected back toward the sun instead of being absorbed.

Sidenote: Ooooh.. I just got busted by Hot-Stuff. I never actually told him I had a blog (because then I knew he would want to read it, and frankly, I wanted one little corner of privacy to myself), I always just told him I read other people's blogs. I am a terrible wife and a lousy human being.

I digress.

Me gardening is a novel concept. I have no idea what I'm doing. I bought seeds, germinated them, forgot about them, planted them too late, they all died. I bought already germinated (by professional amateur gardeners) plants that looked like they had a fighting chance. Brought them home, left them out overnight, forgot to water them, put them in the garden and watered the sh*t out of those puppies. A couple of them look kind of wilty and a couple of the tall ones (flowers don't have names for me; they are classified by height and color; ie. 'the tall purple ones' or 'the short green things') are already falling over. I am already deciding what plants I am going to get and murderize tenderly care for next. After these ones die.


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