Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Flop Sweat

Dictionary of Fox:
Flop Sweat: (n), a total body sweat that is the result of both exertion and stress. Usually presents with mild confusion and a distinct lack of coordination.

I spent most of the day in a flop sweat. Drop off clothes here. Pick up high chair here (SO glad to be rid of my old, ugly behemoth). Feed starving rabid animals children. Doctor's appointment because Little Dude is now sporting the Latest Rage in Scrotum Accessories; a supersized, raised, Zincofax-ain't-gonna-do-it diaper rash. Pharmacy. Call screetching halt to everything in order to buy 2 bottles of Diet Pepsi and some party mix to wash it down with. Home. House clean like speed freak hopped up on PCP (is that the same thing? I'm not current with my drug lingo). No time to cook a decent meal, defrost tupperware of frozen stew (that even I thought was tasteless the first time around). Drag Hurricane and siblings to Tack-win-dow.

Whoa, whoa. Let me stop here. I need to describe the teacher who runs the taekwondo class. Firstly, he is well groomed and pleasant looking, but no Brad Pitt. BUT, and rarely do you meet someone like this (and f*ck, this is going to sound cheesy), he has this intangible quality that is almost.. mesmerizing (yeah, cheesy but true). Kind of like you know that if you give him bullshit, he will put you down. Down down to funkytown. With sexy results. Immediately I get the sweats and start fumbling around and stuttering like a complete moron when trying to talk to him.

Class started, and the teacher talked to the kids for a bit about what they did over the summer. Then, it was time to run laps. Hurricane made a beeline for me yelling, "I don't wanna play no more!" I told him that I knew he was scared, but he was gonna do this. The teacher walked over to my son and I, put his big stone-mason hands on my little boy's shoulders and said, "You will go run laps now." I watched my openly-defiant kid fold like a cheap tent. I knew that my presence was making the Hurricane act like a Mama's Boy, so I figured I should go. I sweat some more as I stumble around and ramble on about how I'm leaving and I'll be back and I have no frigging clue what I said; I can feel all the other parents and the teacher are staring at me, wondering if I am "special with an R." I finally manage to get our shit together enough to carry Little Dude in my arms and push an empty stroller out of the gym. Why wouldn't I just put the baby in the stroller and calmly stroll out? Why, because I have gone temporarily brain dead. Oh yeah, and the Princess is trying to climb in the stroller at the same time I am trying to push the stroller out the door.

I was so flustered that I loaded the kids and forgot the stroller. Until I drove over it's front wheels. Silver lining: I hated that stroller and it's stupid non-swivelling front wheels and lack of umbrella. We paid $10 for it and I don't even feel guilty about throwing it right in the trash.

(Used stroller for sale. Cheap. Right front wheel has 360 degree swivel! Right front tire not included.)

Wouldn't you know it, the Hurricane enjoyed his Tack-win-dow. Awesome. I get to be awkward and have a shiny forehead again next week. How lucky for me.


  1. For reasons unexplored at this time, I found myself reading this to Max out loud. With sexy results. OK, that sounds less appropriate than it actually happened. I guess it's true if you happen to think loud guffaws are sexy. Which I may.

  2. Bahahahahaha! Love me an attractive man and how they can turn me into a blubbering idiot. Dress well, shave your legs, fix your hair, and put on make-up for the next class. You'll feel more prepared and put together and hopefully in turn will be more composed. AND (this is the most important thing on the To-Do list)sneak a picture of him and post it on your blog so we can see what he looks like!

  3. Heehee! Thank you for the giggles!

    (Oh, and um, yeah, picture. Take one. That would be...good.)

  4. Oh man, I got the zings just reading about the instructor making you all twitterpated. And I'm with Teacher Mommy..take a discreet photo and let the rest of us enjoy his manliness and mesmerizingness. Thanks!

  5. Everyone loves a man in uniform, right? Even if that uniform resembles nothing so much as pyjamas.

    Or maybe that makes it even hotter . . .

  6. is taekwondo the one where you roll around on the mat? i am thinking about signing myself up for some lessons. first i will need to save some money, as it will be expensive replacing my uniform pants every time they catch on fire.

    i will try to sneak a picture, but it won't be easy as i do not have a camera phone. i will have to use my big old camera (he probably won't even notice the glare off the huge lens or the humming sound as i zoom in). like i said, he's average attractive. with big hands. and broad shoulders. and would probably snap me like a twig for secretly taking his picture for my internet girlfriends to oogle.

  7. oh! oh! oh! "Hey, could you stand next to Hurricane for a picture of his first Tack-win-dow class? Thanks!"

    Then just crop him out if you don't like the notion of posting your kids' photo on teh internets. TKD guy is an adult & shouldn't expect privacy. I mean, come on. You took on the kid of a blogger... duh...


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