Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Conversations with a 4 Year Old

Hurricane: Mommy, do you have a new stomach?

Me: What? No, I still have the same tummy.

Hurricane: If you ex-dercise, you will have a new stomach?

Me: Not exactly. Exercise and not eating too much junk food will make your tummy not have any fat on it, so it kind of looks as good as new.

Hurricane: No. That's not what the wady on TV said. The wady on TV said that if you do her ex-dercise, you will have a new stomach.

Where do I even go from here? Do I argue with the wady on TV, who was actually Jillian Michaels, shamelessly hawking her new colon cleanse or some shit?

Me: How about you do her exercises and tell me if you get a new stomach.

The Hurricane, getting out of the shower:

H: Mommy, I washed all my parts.

Me: Good job, buddy! (this is kind of a big deal because usually he just stands in the shower and fools around)

H: I washed my boobs, and my tummy, and my arms, and my back legs, and my front legs, and these parts (points to top of feet) and my peeeenis and my bu-um.

Me: Awesome, Clean Boy!

H: Mom, is my watch waterproof?

Me: No.

H: Oh. Well, it will still work right?

Me (in my mind): Oh SURE it'll still work, heck I musta paid $10 for that cheap-ass Cars watch that is probably made of BPA and painted with lead paint. 

Me (out loud): We'll see tomorrow.

I'm George Hamilton, and I know toasted!

Important Life Lesson #1: Put cream on kid's face before you paint it up like Spider Man's mask.
Important Life Lesson #2: Don't believe the hype.  Red make up is never totally washable!


  1. Jillian michaels lost all credibility with me when she started wearing those skin tight hip huggers. ("do what I say and you can wear these too!" Like that's gonna happen, If I weighed 100 pounds I'd still have hips like a Holstein)

    Re the red face paint! *haaaw!* (snort) The same is true with red hair stuff, when your kid is platinum blond.

  2. HA!!!!

    I love those kinds of conversations. I get them quite a bit with DramaBoy.

  3. Funny conversations. Jillian Michael can bite it. She is far to in-your-face and abrasive for me. I'd have to punch her if she got 1 inch from my face and cussed me out. Beeotch.

    And the face paint thing...good to know. Thanks!

  4. HA! Love the convo with the kid. AND, thanks for learning that lesson before me. 'cause I would NEVER have thought of that. At least he's a lovely shade. Imagine what black face paint would've done...

  5. Hey, he's got a healthy glow! LOL...

  6. Ben and I had a REALLY long conversation about truth in advertising after he petitioned for some moon sand and found out it didn't work very well.

    Boy, was he upset.

    He then wanted to buy me a Swivel Sweeper and was outraged when I informed him it probably didn't function the way it said it was supposed to.

    FURIOUS. The kid was FURIOUS. Truth in advertising, man, the kid expects it. THAT would be the autism talking.

  7. Two things and then I'm off to bed, darling.

    One: I have started blocking all viewing of my body parts from my oldest (7) because of the sideways glances and, um, awkward conversations. "I gave you those marks on your stomach, right mom?" Yeah, doll, those stretch marks were woven by your itty bitty in utero self and I'm still pissed about it!

    Two: infomercials are the devil. If I hear one more suggestion outta my kid about hangers, vacuums, mighty putty, exercise name it. The kid watches them all and knows them all and loves them all. Most of the time I giggle when he brings it up. He's trying to be helpful. Like he's got some solution for my problematic closet space. But really, GAH!


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