Friday, October 16, 2009

The Stomach Flu: Not Just for Yakking on Yourself Anymore

This week saw me laid out on the couch even more than usual for a couple of days, too exhausted to even abuse amuse myself while wandering the internet. I had the stomach flu *sad face*. And a wicked fever *super sad face!!*. Even the throes of delirium are not enough to rid me of my inner horny-18-year-old-manboy-trying-to-get-laid mentality (that's just a metaphor, it's not like I have an actual "horny 18 year old manboy" chained up in the basement locked in the barn nevermind.)

So anyways.

Where was I? Oh yes. Throes of delirium: didn't stop my dirty mind from thinking of how I could use the flu to hit on people. Feel free to get your humpty-hump on with my awesome not-guaranteed-to-work unproven pick-up lines:

1. I'm probably not contagious anymore.*

2. I think I'm in love with you, and that's not the pyrexia talking.

3. Yeah, I do oral and rectal! Temperatures, that is.

4. These chills? I'm like a giant vibrator. *wink*

5. Is this a fever dream? Because you're too amazing to be real.

6. Oh yeah, I'm hot enough to vulcanize your giggle stick, baby.

7. Trust me, babe, I really know how to sweat up the sheets.

8. My sex is on fire, and so is the rest of me. How about we play Fireman and you cool me off with your hose?

9. Wanna help me break my fever?

10. I'm feeling a little warm; would you take my temperature with your meat thermometer?

*This is my absolute favorite pick up line of all time; it can be used in any situation on anybody.

Boy I sure used a lot of strike-out in this post. Yeah, I noticed that too.


  1. You have a one-track mind. A very *funny* one track you can even consider sex when you're ralphing and feverish is a mystery.

    I have a horny 18-yr old. I like to pretend he's

  2. Meat thermometer...haven't heard THAT one in awhile...but it made me laugh.

  3. Ooh boy. You have an admirable ability to think positively in even the grossest of circumstances. I like it.

  4. I'm speechless right now. Congrats- that happens so very rarely.

  5. At least you can still be funny while sick! My brain turns to mush....hope you are better by now!

  6. I love No. 10. and I am waffling between telling Max, so he can partake in the hilarity, and blocking your site from all our computers so he will never, ever hear this line because once he hears it, I will never, ever hear the end of it.

    Probably going with (a) since I have no idea how to do (b)

  7. "These chills? I'm like a giant vibrator. *wink*" Awesome. Best pick up line ever.

  8. "I'm probably not contagious anymore" would make me run for the door...wonder if that ever works on anyone?

  9. HAHAHAHAHA oh my those are great. I find when Ill my mind gets dirtier, if that is possible.


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