Changes

How things have changed in the last week or so. This has turned into a Mexican standoff. I know, and Hot Stuff knows, that we will work through it.  We will figure it out, because we love each other. I am not angry, or upset, or scared. I am waiting.

Hot Stuff told me awhile ago that I am controlling.  Of course I got all huffy and threw a hundred arguments and justifications at him that proved I was not controlling, and even if I was, I had good reasons.  Looking back now, I see how the more insecure and inadequate I felt, the more I pressured him to live within the expectations I placed on him. I needed him to be exactly what I needed him to be, because I felt insecure within myself. The truth of it is, I am not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom.  I have always worked. From the time I was old enough to go to work with my mom and she would pay me $5 do the crap jobs at her office on a weekend afternoon, I was out in the world making my own money. So much of my identity is tied into being a Working Girl Person that I am not a success at being at home full-time.  My self-esteem and self-worth have been sliding away for months because I am missing a huge chunk of "Me."

At the same time that this thing was coming to a head between me and Hot Stuff, I was coming to the realization that I needed to go back to work. For my own sanity. To be a better wife. To be a better mother. To be a better me. For a long time I had been feeling scared about going back to work. I worried that my skills would be too rusty.  I lacked self-confidence. I told myself stupid things like, 'don't bother, you'll never find childcare.'

Well, I found a dayhome for my kids. I called the department I used to work at in the hospital and put myself on the casual list. I sent in a resume to a small regional health complex. I applied for part time on a surgical unit at the hospital.

My old department called yesterday and gave me some hours. I am so freaking excited, I am like a kid. I am so pumped about going back to work, I am already wondering what color scrubs I should wear, and which top I should go with. I think I may even go so far as to try them on to make sure they are not going to look like painted-on spandex. That's always a confidence-builder, isn't it? Worrying about splitting your pants on the first day back.