Tuesday, January 12, 2010


How things have changed in the last week or so. This has turned into a Mexican standoff. I know, and Hot Stuff knows, that we will work through it.  We will figure it out, because we love each other. I am not angry, or upset, or scared. I am waiting.

Hot Stuff told me awhile ago that I am controlling.  Of course I got all huffy and threw a hundred arguments and justifications at him that proved I was not controlling, and even if I was, I had good reasons.  Looking back now, I see how the more insecure and inadequate I felt, the more I pressured him to live within the expectations I placed on him. I needed him to be exactly what I needed him to be, because I felt insecure within myself. The truth of it is, I am not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom.  I have always worked. From the time I was old enough to go to work with my mom and she would pay me $5 do the crap jobs at her office on a weekend afternoon, I was out in the world making my own money. So much of my identity is tied into being a Working Girl Person that I am not a success at being at home full-time.  My self-esteem and self-worth have been sliding away for months because I am missing a huge chunk of "Me."

At the same time that this thing was coming to a head between me and Hot Stuff, I was coming to the realization that I needed to go back to work. For my own sanity. To be a better wife. To be a better mother. To be a better me. For a long time I had been feeling scared about going back to work. I worried that my skills would be too rusty.  I lacked self-confidence. I told myself stupid things like, 'don't bother, you'll never find childcare.'

Well, I found a dayhome for my kids. I called the department I used to work at in the hospital and put myself on the casual list. I sent in a resume to a small regional health complex. I applied for part time on a surgical unit at the hospital.

My old department called yesterday and gave me some hours. I am so freaking excited, I am like a kid. I am so pumped about going back to work, I am already wondering what color scrubs I should wear, and which top I should go with. I think I may even go so far as to try them on to make sure they are not going to look like painted-on spandex. That's always a confidence-builder, isn't it? Worrying about splitting your pants on the first day back.


  1. I think that is an awesome idea and good for you for realizing that before you ended up locked in your bathroom. Good luck getting back into the swing of things.

  2. Good for you! Staying at home is not for everyone, and phooey on people who say it's "what's best". What's best is a mom who's happy with herself and the world around. Here's to you doing something about it.

  3. I'm glad things are getting better. Enjoy yourself at work and splurge on some new scrubs even if the old ones fit!

  4. Good for you! It's awesome that you got to that point of self-understanding (I'm SO with you on that, by the way. I would SUCK at being a full-time SAHM) and then went and got all proactive and shit.

    Yay you!

  5. That's so exciting! I hope you like being back!

  6. Hooray for knowing what oyu need to be sane and going for it, and for having the opportunities to do so!

  7. Well done, Foxy. You are doing something for yourself that will result in good for everyone in the home. I hope. It takes a lot of courage and might to jump right back in. To change your life like that. To take a step forward. I feel a little emotional about the evolution of you right now. Can't put my finger on it but I know it has something to do with the fact that you are doing something that I feel many women don't have the courage to do: making a hard decision that you know is needed, even if it means a shift in the household dynamic.

    Bravo! And Congratulations!

  8. Oh, I SO understand this! I stayed at home for a year after my first was born and that is NOT what I was meant to do. I need to work for my mental health. Good luck to you!

  9. You know....Hot Stuff and the Foxy Nurse sounds like high quality porn. :)


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