Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Changes

How things have changed in the last week or so. This has turned into a Mexican standoff. I know, and Hot Stuff knows, that we will work through it.  We will figure it out, because we love each other. I am not angry, or upset, or scared. I am waiting.

Hot Stuff told me awhile ago that I am controlling.  Of course I got all huffy and threw a hundred arguments and justifications at him that proved I was not controlling, and even if I was, I had good reasons.  Looking back now, I see how the more insecure and inadequate I felt, the more I pressured him to live within the expectations I placed on him. I needed him to be exactly what I needed him to be, because I felt insecure within myself. The truth of it is, I am not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom.  I have always worked. From the time I was old enough to go to work with my mom and she would pay me $5 do the crap jobs at her office on a weekend afternoon, I was out in the world making my own money. So much of my identity is tied into being a Working Girl Person that I am not a success at being at home full-time.  My self-esteem and self-worth have been sliding away for months because I am missing a huge chunk of "Me."

At the same time that this thing was coming to a head between me and Hot Stuff, I was coming to the realization that I needed to go back to work. For my own sanity. To be a better wife. To be a better mother. To be a better me. For a long time I had been feeling scared about going back to work. I worried that my skills would be too rusty.  I lacked self-confidence. I told myself stupid things like, 'don't bother, you'll never find childcare.'

Well, I found a dayhome for my kids. I called the department I used to work at in the hospital and put myself on the casual list. I sent in a resume to a small regional health complex. I applied for part time on a surgical unit at the hospital.

My old department called yesterday and gave me some hours. I am so freaking excited, I am like a kid. I am so pumped about going back to work, I am already wondering what color scrubs I should wear, and which top I should go with. I think I may even go so far as to try them on to make sure they are not going to look like painted-on spandex. That's always a confidence-builder, isn't it? Worrying about splitting your pants on the first day back.

9 comments:

  1. I think that is an awesome idea and good for you for realizing that before you ended up locked in your bathroom. Good luck getting back into the swing of things.

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  2. Good for you! Staying at home is not for everyone, and phooey on people who say it's "what's best". What's best is a mom who's happy with herself and the world around. Here's to you doing something about it.
    ~rootietoot

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  3. I'm glad things are getting better. Enjoy yourself at work and splurge on some new scrubs even if the old ones fit!

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  4. Good for you! It's awesome that you got to that point of self-understanding (I'm SO with you on that, by the way. I would SUCK at being a full-time SAHM) and then went and got all proactive and shit.

    Yay you!

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  5. That's so exciting! I hope you like being back!

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  6. Hooray for knowing what oyu need to be sane and going for it, and for having the opportunities to do so!

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  7. Well done, Foxy. You are doing something for yourself that will result in good for everyone in the home. I hope. It takes a lot of courage and might to jump right back in. To change your life like that. To take a step forward. I feel a little emotional about the evolution of you right now. Can't put my finger on it but I know it has something to do with the fact that you are doing something that I feel many women don't have the courage to do: making a hard decision that you know is needed, even if it means a shift in the household dynamic.

    Bravo! And Congratulations!

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  8. Oh, I SO understand this! I stayed at home for a year after my first was born and that is NOT what I was meant to do. I need to work for my mental health. Good luck to you!

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  9. You know....Hot Stuff and the Foxy Nurse sounds like high quality porn. :)

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